I Need Blue
I turned around to see a masked man pointing a gun at me. It was just the beginning of a series of events, including robbery and abduction, which changed my life forever. I Need Blue, hosted by Jen Lee, is a podcast series featuring lived-experiences from survivors of life events. I NEED BLUE creates space for survivors of trauma to feel they BELONG, are LOVED, UNDERSTOOD and EMPOWERED! I called 9-1-1 and they provided me with life-saving directions to help my customer who was having a medical emergency. Law enforcement rescued us and caught the robber. Our first-responders face unique traumas every day. I NEED BLUE provides space for them too!
I Need Blue
Josh: His Courageous Battle Against Percocet and Fentanyl
In the company of Josh, we venture beneath the surface, immersing ourselves in the chilling realities of drug experimentation, particularly with Percocet and Fentanyl. Through his firsthand testimony, we are starkly reminded of the ominous abysses that addiction can lead us into, highlighting the desperate need for thorough drug education. Yet, amid the heart-wrenching tales of struggle, a glimmer of optimism emerges—the profound strength found in community. Together, we're a united front, standing side by side in the battle against addiction.
Thank you, The Blue Plaid Society for sponsoring this episode. To learn more: https://blueplaid.org/
Connect with Jen:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ineedbluepodcast/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/needbluepodcast
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCp1q8SfA_hEXRJ4EaizlW8Q
Website: https://ineedblue.net/
The background music is written, performed and produced exclusively by Char Good.
https://chargood.com/home
Everyone has a story. They just don't always have a place to share it. Welcome to the I Need Blue podcast. This is Shar Good and I am honored to introduce Jennifer Lee, author, life coach and host of today's show on the I Need Blue podcast. Thank you for that warm introduction, shar, and welcome to I Need Blue, the podcast about to take you on an extraordinary journey where profound narratives come to life, one captivating episode at a time. I'm your host, jennifer Lee, and I founded this podcast because I know there is healing and sharing. Each story you will hear shared on this podcast is a testament to our collective strength, innate ability to transform in the incredible power of healing. Please remember you are never alone. Please visit and share my website with those seeking connection and inspiration wwwineedbluenet. Thank you, shar Good, for composing and performing the introduction medley for I Need Blue. You can find information about Shar on her website, wwwshargoodcom.
Speaker 1:Before starting today's episode, I must provide a trigger warning. I need Blue features graphic themes, including, but not limited to, violence, abuse and murder, and may not be suitable for all listeners. Please take care of yourself and don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it. Before we start today's story, I would like to thank the Blue Plaid Society for sponsoring this episode. I sat mesmerized and overcome with emotions as I watched Josh share his story at the Central Florida Fentanyl Summit in August of 2023. The Blue Plaid Society hosts this community event. I understood the courage to stand before a crowd and share our life experiences. Josh did it with conviction, leaving the attendees with a ray of hope. The room erupted with applause when he was finished.
Speaker 1:His story begins during his high school years. He suffered the unexpected loss of his brother and grandparents only months apart. The emotional pain was overwhelming and distracting. He felt defeated by life. He didn't live. He only existed during these times. Then something happened in his junior year of high school opioids. They dulled the emotional pain of loss but ultimately created a new type of pain. Josh is sober today and has a message of hope, love and purpose. Josh, thank you for being my special guest and welcome to the I Need Blue podcast.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I'm so glad you accepted my invitation. I'm rather honored that you are here with me today.
Speaker 2:Well, I am very honored to be here. We've talked many times before and it's amazing what you do and the platform that you have and just to get the story of hope and recovery out there to people that need to hear it. I'm very, very honored to be here.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much. I have to tell you my podcast would not exist if it wasn't for survivors like you wanting to come forward and share their story Honestly. It lives because of people like you. I know your story is going to be an inspiration to others. Those listening, like us in the audience that day at the summit, will feel that ray of hope. It might just be that little message they needed to hear that will make a difference in their life.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yes, we never know who we're going to touch with our story. That's why we come forward and we share right?
Speaker 2:Yes, it literally just takes one, maybe even a glance at someone, just a hello hey, how are you doing? And that literally sparks their road to recovery. It sparks that change of mindset to get to the point to where they don't feel hopeless anymore. They do feel like someone's there for them, they do feel like someone cares and that, right, there is that moment to where everything kind of just starts to change and that 180 starts and they can start down that road of recovery. And it's a long road, it's a lifelong road. We all continue to recover from the things that we've been through. I hope that everything that I've done, the mistakes that I've made, I hope that I can reach people out there and help them to recover from the things that they are going through right now.
Speaker 1:You said so many profound things and before we start your story, you said something about you are sober today, and you and I talked about why you specifically say I am sober today. Can you share that with us real quick?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. I mean there's a couple different reasons for it, but you know, when I look back on it, for example, I would go to an NA meeting, or you know just different things that I would try to do as far as to, you know, stay on that road to recovery. And you know I'd sit there in the audience and people would stand up and you know, hi, my name's So-and-so. I've got 15 years of sobriety. Or I've got five years of sobriety, I've got 10 years of sobriety. I can think back to multiple times where that wasn't really a spark of light for me. It was more of a oh my gosh, am I ever going to make it to that point? You know, that's one reason why I don't ever give any type of you know amount of time for sobriety.
Speaker 2:I'm winning today and that's what I'm looking forward to. I wake up in the morning and I'm going to win today, whatever I got to do to get through it, and then when I lay down at night, I've won again. You know it's multiple different victories. You've got to get over those hurdles. You've got to get over those things that trigger those thoughts in your head of wanting to go back and slide back into addiction. If you just focus on right now, in this moment, in this day, you have so many more victories within a and stuff. You only stand up for your year. You know you stand up for I have one year, I have two years. Where's all the little victories in there that you can celebrate? Every moment is a victory.
Speaker 1:I love that, especially when you said I'm going to win today. That's awesome.
Speaker 2:It really is. It brings so much encouragement. It really does.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Some people, I don't think, understand that you didn't wake up one day and say I'm going to become an addict. There's always a backstory, there's always a journey that led them to where they are today. And that's part of why I have my podcast is because I'm really interested in that journey that you went through, because somebody listening may be in that journey. They may have a relative that's in that journey. They may have a friend that's in that journey. And when you come forward and share, and you share your experiences and the behaviors and the emotions behind them, you're helping others to cope and maybe be able to help their friend and provide them hope as well. So I'm going to let you start that. We started the introduction in your high school years. If that's where you want to start, that's great. If you want to go back further, that's great too. It's always at your comfort level.
Speaker 2:Okay, the friends that I was running around with. We really had experimented with marijuana and alcohol specifically. Those were the only two things. The key thing that I want to talk about before that night my high school homecoming was the fact that I did lose people. I lost my brother, which was absolutely my best friend. He was like my road dog. We literally spent every moment we could together and then my grandparents died 11 days apart, and that just put me in a really, really bad spot.
Speaker 2:I was getting through it. I was trudging through it. It was a slow and steady pace, but I was making it. I was back to school and starting to go through my normal day-to-day stuff. I went to homecoming. I actually thought about not going to homecoming.
Speaker 2:I was playing basketball and we had a basketball game before the dance and before everything. I went to the game, but I just really wasn't in the mood to just go out to a dance or have any fun, like things like that. So I ended up going and that night we went to a little party at my buddy's house after the dance. That's when it happened. That's when that moment came. I literally can see exactly how it happened in my mind, moment by moment, picture by picture. He just walked in and he's like hey, I need to talk to you for a minute. And he offered Perkisette.
Speaker 2:At the time it was five milligrams. It wasn't anything strong, it was for me then, but I tried it. He kind of glamorized it as far as it's going to take away the pain a little bit, it's going to take away the emotions, it's going to have some fun. So, yeah, I tried it and it didn't really snowball super fast, it progressed. I took it that one night and then it kind of started out as a recreational thing, like when we was hanging out having fun, stuff like that. It definitely did take away the emotions. It dulled them, it masked them as really what it did. It didn't take it away, but it did dull it. It allowed me to, I guess, be happy again in that moment when I should have been dealing with those emotions the proper way, because there are so many different healthy ways to deal with our emotions.
Speaker 1:And did your friends take Perkisette as well?
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, I didn't know it at the time. So there was three or four guys that I'd really really hung out with. We all have that core group of friends. So there was three or four of them and two of them had already experimented with it. I just didn't know about it until that night. So my buddy that offered it to me. He hung around with a little bit of an older crowd, so that's where he ended up trying it from. Both of us ended up getting everything from there's older kids.
Speaker 2:It slowly became a daily addiction. I battled it for about 15 years Before I knew it. I blinked and 15 years had gone by and I was in active addiction pretty much that whole time. This was when I really really noticed that I had an issue, because I lived in a small town in Ohio at the time, right on the border of Ohio and Kentucky, and the college that I went to was about 50 miles away from my hometown. So that was the first time that I really ever lived that far away.
Speaker 2:Once I moved, got to college, you know I'd go home every weekend and then I would make sure that I got what I thought was enough to get me through the week at college. Well then, you know, monday, tuesday, tuesday night, coming into Wednesday, I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm about to run out. I found myself struggling and kind of trying to get back home, go to class, go to basketball practice, and then that night drives as fast as I could back home and hopefully be able to meet up with someone and then get back in time to get some sleep and get ready for class in the morning. So that's when I really started to see that there was a problem.
Speaker 2:Once you're in active addiction, in that moment you don't say, oh my gosh, you got a problem. When I look back on it now, that's when I realized like it really was beginning to be a problem for sure, like it was obviously a problem from the very first time. This is not something that you want to try. It is not something that you want to say you know what? I'm growing up, I want to experiment. I want to experiment everything in life. Just assure that you do not, in any way, shape or form, want to try and go down this road. It is a road that you will lose control very, very quickly. It's just not something that you want to do.
Speaker 1:What you have said is so important In your case for you. You didn't take one pill and all of a sudden be in full blown addiction. It was slowly over time and then it took you, now looking back realizing, wow, I guess I was in addiction, but during that time you didn't realize it.
Speaker 2:You know, as far as blue plaid getting into the schools I'm going back on what you just said here we need all the help we can get. We need every parent out there. We need everybody in the community fighting for us because obviously everyone knows the I guess political side of things how. You know we want this in here but we know certain parents don't want it in there. You know they don't want their kid hearing this. It is so much more important now than it has ever been before.
Speaker 2:You know I look back on that was 2003, 2004, roughly in that area, when I first tried a percocet. Okay, trying one percocet. Being completely honest with you, there's not much chance of an overdose on one percocet or a poisoning that we fight now, that we battle now with the poisonings. As Far as losing your life, you really had to completely Overdo it then. We had dare back then in school and in all reality the strength of that dare class was up to your PE teacher, slash health teacher. If they wanted to give it everything they had.
Speaker 2:Then you got some information. I never want to put blame on anything or I made the choice myself. I'm the one that's at fault for everything that that happened in my life as far as my battle with addiction. But maybe, just maybe, if there was a class that really shook me and said, look, you do not in any way, shape or form, want to try this, maybe it could have changed. I don't know. You know, I said here before you and I'm I do honestly say that I'm glad that I went through what I have, because I have the message and I have the Information to go out there and help people, because it's not gonna stop.
Speaker 1:I'm amazed that the people that don't even know what fentanyl is.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah. So the possibility of me being in a class Like what we are here to offer from blue plaid in these schools. If I would have had that back then I do feel like that. Maybe it never would have happened. But the message that we are trying to bring to these kids, it's night and day, more important now than it ever has been before, because you can literally try it one, one single time and you lose your life one time. The statistics as far as what they do sample Out of the fentanyl that is out there now. If they put it in a pill form, six out of ten of those pills will kill you instantly. Six out of ten. That is not. That's not a chance that you want to take at all. We had as blue plaid. We get all of our information Directly from the DEA. We have affiliations with them and we get all of our information directly from them. So what we are out there educating people on, we know that it is the absolute truth.
Speaker 1:You know, I was at lunch yesterday with someone and we got to talking about fentanyl and I told her. I said you know, it only takes the amount of a few grains of salt and that will kill you Absolutely. And even though she was very educated on fentanyl, she looked at me in surprise like she didn't realize it was that potent very much so. I said yes. I said yes, it's one pill will kill. I believe that's one of your sayings, right?
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:I think I was reading also San Francisco, sadly, is losing three people a day From fentanyl poisoning three people a day. That is staggering and it's sad because, like you said, if you would have had a class and that class then turns into a community, then it goes from one voice to then a crowd and that's what we need and we, we need it in the school system Because that's where our children are. But then we also need our parents to be educated as well, so if their child comes to them, they know how to handle that conversation, because Parents don't always know how to handle that conversation. They think my, my kids would never do that.
Speaker 2:Exactly all the time my family or my child. That's not gonna happen to us. We have an assembly set up for the kids, but we also have the parent night as well. Parent night is a little bit different. The parents get the information that they need and they're getting it from someone that was their kid, from someone that knows how to hide the things that a child would hide from their parent. A kid never wants to get in trouble, so you know they're gonna be getting it from someone that was in their child shoes, that did through this at that age. It's so educational for everyone and, like you said, I'm just one person. You're just one person.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and we were just talking about parents. So can you tell me what it was like when your parents realized their son had an addiction?
Speaker 2:Now you're gonna make me cry, because no it's okay so.
Speaker 2:I also lost my mom as well. I've actually lost both of my parents now, but my mom was this little petite thing. She was so small compared to me I'm six, four, almost six, five, and and she was so small. But she, she would look up at me and when she had this look and her eyes would, when she was mad, they would kind of dart back and forth. So, you saying that really literally, I could see her.
Speaker 2:But, oh man, we weren't forced to go to church. But we know, we knew as kids that we were gonna disappoint mom and dad if we didn't go. So I did grow up in, you know, southern Baptist, you know country style church, where you know you knew that the line you were supposed to toe, if you didn't, you were back. Then it was you're getting the belt, you know. So I'm not gonna lie, I hit it very, very well. I like. I, like I said before when I first started, the first time you use you know your dopamine level spikes up and then, once that high comes down, you dip down into what you basically call Depression. That's the best way to look at it. It's not really Depression, but your dopamine level spikes so high once you come down, your depression levels go down as well and and every time that you use, the level of the dopamine is lower like it's. It's not as high. You're not getting that high that you did the first time but those levels of sadness are more. I never personally experienced that. Once college happened because I blew my knee out. I got more pain pills for that Right after college and everything happened with that.
Speaker 2:That's when everyone really started to see the difference in the change, really started losing weight. I started to focus more on the addiction side of things, as far as I need this and I don't really care if I have this as far as food and things like that. So that's when it really spiraled out of control. So that's the point when my parents and my, my older sisters and everyone around me really started to see the difference. So, oh man, when they first found out, obviously they had never really went through that before as far as a parent, so they didn't know what to do immediately rehab, you got to go to rehab. You got to go to rehab and you know, at that point in time it did nothing for me. I wasn't in the mindset of wanting to change, if you know. You asked what it was like for them.
Speaker 2:Heartbreaking, I guess you know I'd like, like I said at the very beat that look, if I could go back, I would never give that look for my mom. I'd never give her a reason to give me that look. You know, it was just heartbreaking. It was heartbreaking for them to see that their child was going through that and I feel like it was even more heartbreaking for them to not know how to help, to not know how to truly Be there and help. The situation, you know. So I don't want to be a dead horse, so to speak, but it is so important for us to get this information to these kids and these parents. Everyone needs to be educated on all of this, because every single person knows someone that has been directly affected by addiction or a fentanyl poisoning now, and that that number is climbing so much more higher.
Speaker 1:Right. I have to imagine For the parents that you hear my child would never do that. It's got to be heart-wrenching Because you saw firsthand what it looked like on your mom's face, who probably believed my son would never do that right. It's very personal for you.
Speaker 1:Yeah and so many levels, on so many levels. The audience can hear the passion in your voice because this is real, you know. The other thing you said that I think is important is a lot of times we think this exists in the big cities. You grew up in a rural area. People don't necessarily associate that with drugs and crime and all of those other things, but the reality is fentanyl is in every Community, no matter how big or how small, and you and I are not having this conversation today to scare people, but we want them to be aware.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. You know, like just to go back on a couple things you said, it does. It really does break my heart. First of all, I hope and pray that it doesn't happen to you. I pray that it hasn't happened and it never will happen to you. But in all reality, the statistics are.
Speaker 2:Fentanyl based poisonings are climbing so rapidly. You know, me and my wife are out there and what I like to call the trenches. We're out there in the homeless camps and stuff like that and we're making sure that they have the Narcane that they need because they're going through active addiction at this time. That's where I personally go. We're out there at the different festivals, we're at recovery fest, we're at Space Coast pride, we're at anything you can think of a car show. We're anywhere and everywhere to try to get this word out that, trust me, there's not a part of this country that it's not affecting. It is absolutely everywhere.
Speaker 2:That's not something that's changed with just the fentanyl. It's like one of the smallest towns in the United States, in West Virginia, used to be the opioid prescription pain medicine capital of the United States. A little small town in West Virginia, the smaller town you're in, the more bored everybody is. So, unfortunately, they're gonna seek out ways for entertainment also. Unfortunately, sometimes we seek out entertainment. That's not the most healthy way. We don't go out and play a game of football or whatever. We experiment with things we shouldn't experiment with.
Speaker 1:So I Think it's important to say that for people who don't think it'll happen, it may not directly happen to them. You know their, their child may not try anything. That's great, but their neighbor might exactly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, your child's best friend might yes a distant relative might so when we talk about but it will happen somebody, you know it will happen to them or their family. And when we look at ourselves as a community, we must love each other, we must care about each other. We must be aware. Josh, I think we will take a quick 30-second break to hear a word from our sponsor, the blue plaid society.
Speaker 2:So one thing that I really want to hit on as far as loving each other and being a community strong together we oftentimes, as human beings, we put ourselves and our family in this little box. We wake up in the morning, we get ready for work, or maybe we got to take the kids to school, and then, you know, we run errands or we go to work, and then we come home from work and then we hang out and then we go to sleep and we do it again. That's the little box I'm talking about. We put our family and ourselves in this little box and a lot of times we don't ever look outside that box. I encourage you, if you're listening, take yourself out of that box for a minute and just look at the bigger picture of life outside of that little box and, trust me, that box is important, that's something that you want to protect and take care of.
Speaker 2:But if you just take a minute and get out of that boundaries, get out of that box, you will see someone that does need you, that does need to know that they are loved, they matter, and that is one key way for us to be strong as a community to be strong and love each other. When you go to the gas station, take a minute and look around. You are going to see someone that visibly looks sad. They don't even have to scream it. They show that they're in a bad place and that very moment you passing that person and just stopping them and saying, hey, I hope you're having a great day. In all reality, anything that you do in a positive way is loving them and showing them love. They realize, you know what, I'm not alone. I'm not here in this world alone. Someone does see me, someone does love me.
Speaker 1:I think we call that situational awareness with the intent to help. Yeah, because I talk about situational awareness in regards to keeping yourself safe.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I tell the kids all the time make sure you're aware of your surroundings, you know, and, like you just said, to keep yourself safe. If you do that in all aspects of life, you not only keep yourself safe, but you're helping others as well.
Speaker 1:I love it. So let's talk about. You. Started out with opioids. Can you tell me the progression to where you actually became addicted to fentanyl?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So fentanyl is technically an opioid. So you know, if you take heroin or morphine, those were the strongest opioids that you could get. So now we have fentanyl in the picture and it is minimal, 10 times stronger than morphine and heroin. The fentanyl that is out there in the street, the fentanyl that, when I say six out of 10 pills can kill you, that's what's being, you know, sold over social media to our kids. That's what's being sold in the streets.
Speaker 1:Can I? I hate to interrupt you. You're doing great. You said something and I think we need to make this clear. You probably can educate them a little clearer than I can on this, as we are talking about synthetic fentanyl, because fentanyl has been around for years, but it's been used in a hospital setting yes, for pain relief.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's any type of severe pain, they'll use fentanyl. But that fentanyl that is out there in the medical side of things is made in a lab. Let's get that clear. It's made in a multi-million dollar lab. It is being made properly. It is being mixed properly. The precursor is being made mainly in China and then that is being sold to cartels and two different drug organizations.
Speaker 1:Can you tell me again what you mean when you say precursor?
Speaker 2:Okay, so precursor is equal to a Kool-Aid packet. You go to the store, you buy a Kool-Aid packet that's 100% Kool-Aid. Then you take that packet and you mix it with water and that is the version of Kool-Aid that you are supposed to drink. You're not supposed to take the Kool-Aid packet and dump it directly in your mouth. That would be too much. The precursor will 100% know if Anderbutt's about it kill. Anybody that touches it breathes it. Anything you can think of it will kill you. They're putting the precursor in. They're mixing it with the other ingredients. If you take a baseball size amount of fentanyl because it was mixed so haphazardly, you have spots that aren't going to do anything to you. You're probably not going to feel any type of high from it. You have spots that are going to give you that high but they're not strong enough to kill you. But then because it's mixed the way that it is, that is why a minimum of six out of 10 pills can kill you. Thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 1:That was the perfect way to describe that. Thank you so much. Now that we've talked about the difference between the fentanyls, which was so important, let's get into then. You were exposed to fentanyl because you took a pill that you thought was percocet and it had fentanyl in it.
Speaker 2:I really do feel like this last relapse had to happen. I was clean for a little over two years. I didn't have really any thought about using. I was living life and it was great. I met this person when I was bartending. He came in and had a few drinks or whatever multiple times, even when I was still bartending. I found out a couple of times meeting him that he was a drug dealer or whatever, but even at that time I didn't even think about asking him, didn't have no thought about talking to him about it. It just never happened. So, long story short, I stopped bartending and, oh my goodness, months went by, months, from the last time I seen this guy. Like I said, I feel like it was meant to be that this happened because leading up to when I saw him, I had been just battling myself as far as being the man of the family, things, as far as I couldn't get through financially. I was just struggling mentally and beating myself up. Like I said earlier, if you look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you're a failure over and over again, well, in your mind and body you become a failure. That's what you tell yourself, like the time when it first happened my homecoming night. I was battling myself mentally.
Speaker 2:It was a Saturday. I was out riding my motorcycle by myself, I was just enjoying the day. And I pull up at a gas station and I'm walking in and he was walking out, the guy that I met while bartending. For some crazy reason that day, the wheels just started turning in my head. Well, maybe he does have something. Maybe you can just do this one more time and enjoy the day. So I walked inside, I paid for the gas or whatever that I got that day, and I walked outside and he was standing there by the pump and I just asked. I was like hey, man, I know I've never talked to you about this before, but I was wondering if you had anything. And it happened. He did. He had like a pill form, and this is something that you need to hear and understand. It looked just like the Percocets that I was used to doing 100%.
Speaker 1:And the exchange happened right at the gas pump.
Speaker 2:It was. We just did different things to make it look like we were having a conversation and then we slowly made it happen or whatever. So, yeah, it was 100% what I thought and looked like the pain pills that I was used to doing. 100%, and I think God, without a shadow of a doubt, because I knew what I could take as far as the pain pills go. Even though I had been two years sober, I knew that I could take a five milligram Percocet. I knew that I could take that and I would be fine, I wouldn't die from it. So thank God that I got one of the four out of the 10 that aren't strong enough to kill me immediately, because I wouldn't be here today. So, yeah, I took it and I knew that it was strong. But the fact that it had fentanyl in it, it was a slow, gradual increase. I'm here to tell you that the very first time that fentanyl hooked me, it literally sunk itself in and at that very moment I didn't know it was fentanyl. But I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that after that day, after that one moment, I 100% wanted more. It wasn't going to be just that day, as soon as I experienced the dopamine spike from what fentanyl was in that pill. It was immediate. I wanted more. I wanted to go back and stuff. So I literally tracked him down through people that I had worked with at the bar. I did everything that I could to get a hold of this guy Before I knew it. I knew where he lived and I was dealing with him directly. I was going to his house and it literally sunk its claws into me so fast. It was unlike anything that I've ever experienced before.
Speaker 2:This relapse with fentanyl lasted almost two months. I got to the point where I and everyone else around me saw the downfall almost immediately. The guys that I work with my wife you know family members they immediately, like days or a week into this relapse, like dude, what's up with you, man? You're acting crazy. You're doing things that you never do. You're losing weight. You're saying you need to leave from work early but you'll be back in an hour, but you never show back up or you're calling out of work completely.
Speaker 2:The change was so drastic and so fast that everyone knew a difference. I didn't go through full-blown withdrawals until I decided to stop. You know, during that two months span of time, I always made sure that I got back over there before I would run out. I would start to go through a little bit of sickness, but I didn't know what was in tow for me when I stopped hours, two or three hours into stopping, I was in the worst thing you could ever think of. I really did think I was going to die. I thought I was going to die. And just because we're here talking about this, I like to say this. I'm not trying to gross anybody out.
Speaker 2:You know one thing that I remember daily I was laying on my bed. I could not move. I literally couldn't move on my own physical strength, I couldn't move my body and I was projectile vomiting from my bed and it was hitting the ceiling. It was horrible. I knew that my body needed to get fluids in it. So for about a solid week at least five days to a week I was trying to put Gatorade in my body and Pepto-Bismol, but immediately it was coming right back up. So after about five to seven days, the most movement that I did in that week was maybe rolling over, being able to turn over into a different position in the bed. So after about a week I got to the point where I could finally get up. It was about another week or more after that until I could keep any foods down, any type of solid food. It was literally the worst thing that I could ever go through or have someone ever imagined going through.
Speaker 1:Did you have a support system? Did you have someone there to help you?
Speaker 2:As frustrated as my wife got. She stayed there. She's got a really weak stomach so she couldn't really handle the sickness side of it. But she was there. She made sure that I was safe, made sure that I was okay and you know, there's really not much that someone can do at that time. You literally have to trudge through it and get through it and let your body get all those toxins out. With the fentanyl all those toxins are there's just so much more potent and stronger. That's why it took so much longer for me to get to the point where I could start to get better. So she was there. She never left, and she got frustrated many times and gave me a lot of tough love. There was times when I didn't want to drink anything, so she would come in and make sure that I was, you know, getting fluids in me and Pepto-Bismol and stuff like that. So yeah, she did everything that she could.
Speaker 2:Some friends from work came to check on me because at this point, the day that I completely wanted to stop, I came to my house and told my wife everything first. That's who I told. You know, this is what I've been doing and this is I can't do this anymore. But then you know my work family. They're my brothers. I'm very close to a lot of them, so I immediately went and told them to. I told them for multiple different reasons. First of all, I told them out of respect and the fact that you know you've been telling me something's wrong. I've been lying to you and saying there wasn't anything wrong. Okay, I'm sorry, you know, I want to respect you and let you know that there was something wrong and this is what it was. And, at the same time, the more people that knew exactly what I had gone through and what I was doing, those are more people that would hold me accountable to who I am today. If there was a possibility of it happening again. I would want them to know what to look for.
Speaker 1:I have interviewed other people on my podcast who are in recovery and they all share situations where they would continually go back to family members, friends you know, I'm gonna get clean, I'm gonna get clean, I'm. You know, this is it. This is it no more. And the family wants so much to believe them. Right, but this is a cycle that they've been used to, where that individual just ends up back in the addiction phase of things. What would you say to family members, friends, co-workers that are dealing with watching a loved one struggle, but yet this family member and everybody else is on the verge of giving up on them because they've seen this cycle over and over? What would you say to them?
Speaker 2:Oh, that's a tough one, because I do take a step back and look at this from both sides. First of all, without any trying at all, I look at it from the side of someone that has been through it. But then, on the flip side of that, I try to look at it from someone that hasn't been through it and how I would react. This is what I would say to them and this is what I have said to multiple people that are going through that situation. You got to understand that, whether it is just your normal opiates or fentanyl, these drugs completely hijack your brain. They change everything. They change your way of thinking, they change your survival techniques. They change everything. Now fentanyl is so much more stronger and so much more potent and it does it, you know, in a much more rapid way.
Speaker 2:That person in addiction is not who you love. It is pretty much a different person. You're looking at who you know, but that person is not the person that you know and love. So, as much as it sucks I know that it has to suck it really does. If you truly love that person, know that you love the person that they truly are, and the moment and the time that they change for real is when they really want to change, when they know themselves can't do it. They're not going to do it for anyone else. They're not going to do it for a wife, they're not going to do it for a kid, they're not going to do it for their parents, they're not going to do it for their friends. They're going to do it when they know that they can't do this anymore.
Speaker 2:The harsh reality of it is sometimes you do have to let them go because everybody has to worry about their own mental health and their own self first. That's the truth of it. Parents, you worry about your kids and stuff like that. But you know in all reality, the very first decision that every single person makes in their day is for you. You decide okay, I open my eyes, now, I'm going to get out of bed and I'm going to start to get myself together. You can't effectively help anyone else if you're not taking care of yourself. I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that everyone can change. I know that 100% and true change, real change to where the rest of their life. They effectively make the right choices as far as addiction goes. But the harsh reality of it is. Some people won't. Some people don't ever get to that point and I don't know why I really don't. It's such a hard battle and it's such a hard thing to explain to someone.
Speaker 1:Amazing message. Thank you so much for sharing. No problem, Josh. Thank you so much for being my guest today on the I Need Blue podcast.
Speaker 2:Thank you, but you are awesome, seriously thank you. Thank you for what you do. The platform that you have and what you do with sharing people's road to recovery in so many different varieties of ways is truly amazing.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much. Thank you for listening. This is Jennifer Lee with the I Need Blue podcast. Thank you again to our sponsor for this episode, the Blue Plaid Society. As always, thank you for listening. You can find anything and everything you ever needed to learn about I Need Blue on my website, wwwineedbluenet. And remember you are stronger than you think. Until next time, thank you, thank you, thank you.