I Need Blue

Championing the Silenced Victims of Domestic Violence

• Jennifer Lee/Sandy Dobson • Season 4 • Episode 7

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What happens when a seasoned police dispatcher turns her focus to victim advocacy? Join us as Sandy Dobson shares her powerful journey from a 33-year career as a police and fire dispatcher to becoming an instrumental support system for victims of domestic violence in Palm Bay. Sandy's transition highlights the critical need for recognizing the less visible forms of abuse—mental, emotional, and psychological—and her dedication to guiding victims toward recovery and empowerment. Through Sandy's compelling insights, we uncover the profound impact that dedicated advocates can have on the lives of those they help, offering a beacon of hope and transformation.

We also confront the often-ignored issue of domestic abuse against men, shattering the stigma and silence that keeps many from seeking help. By sharing poignant stories and practical advice, we emphasize the importance of community support and the vital role of victim advocates in collaboration with law enforcement. From recognizing the warning signs of abuse to providing resources like Serene Harbor and the Women's Center in Brevard County, this episode is a heartfelt call to action. It's time to stand with all victims, offering unconditional support and encouragement, especially as we observe Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Listen in to discover how you can become a catalyst for change and support those striving for safety and healing.

National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233

SERENE HARBOR HOTLINE NUMBER: 321-726-8282. 
www.SereneHarbor.org.
You can reach their hotline advocates by text, call or TTY.   They have a live chat.  They is a certified and trained advocate available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, holidays, hurricanes, it doesn't matter.  They're there to answer every call, regardless of how it comes through. They are trained to assist right then and there.

THE WOMEN'S CENTER OF BREVARD COUNTY, FL: 321-607-6809
https://www.womenscenter.net/
For over 49 years as a local non-profit organization in the Brevard County community, the Women's Center has been on a focused mission to help women, men & children who have faced trauma related to domestic violence & sexual assault. Trauma informed, wraparound programs provide victims with the hope, tools & resources needed to build a healthy & successful future for themselves & their families.

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Website: https://ineedblue.net/
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Purchase  my book: Why I Survived:  How sharing my story helped me heal from dating abuse, armed robbery, abduction, and other forms of trauma by Jennifer Lee
https://whyisurvived.com/


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Jen:

Everyone has a story. They just don't always have a place to share it. Welcome to I Need Blue, the podcast about to take you on an extraordinary journey where profound narratives come to life, one captivating episode at a time. I'm your host, Jennifer Lee, and I founded this podcast because I know there is healing and sharing. Each story you will hear shared on this podcast is a testament to our collective strength, innate ability to transform in the incredible power of healing. Please remember you are never alone. Please visit and share my website with those seeking connection and inspiration wwwineedbluenet. Thank you, Char Good, for composing and performing the introduction medley for I Need Blue. You can find information about Char on her website, wwwchargoode. com.

Jen:

Before starting today's episode, I must provide a trigger warning. I Need Blue features graphic themes, including, but not limited to, violence, abuse and murder, and may not be suitable for all listeners. Please take care of yourself and don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it. Now let's get started with today's story. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Domestic violence can be physical, mental, emotional and or psychological. I know I am a survivor too, and boy do we have a way of hiding it in plain sight. Sandy Dobson is my guest today. I heard her speak during a chamber luncheon. Her message resonated and I knew she needed to be here with us too. Sandy Dobson has been a victim advocate within the Palm Bay Police Department for the past five years. During the luncheon, she spoke methodically about the signs of someone being abused. She is here to share those signs with us today. Sandy, thank you for being my guest and welcome to the I Need Blue podcast. Well, thank you for having me. Of course, Can you share with us a little bit more about your background?

Sandy:

Well, I help victims of all types, but especially men and women who find themselves in violent situations. I come amid broken promises, betrayal and heartache and I help guide them to live happy, productive lives again. The criminal justice system can be very confusing, but I try to make it easy. Before my time with our victim services Unit, I worked for 33 years as a police and fire dispatcher. I handled every conceivable situation there is, helping to ensure everyone made it out alive. As I entered my 33rd year of dispatch, I realized it was time for a change and I started looking for a position to challenge me while still serving the public. I found our victim services unit and come to work each day, excited to help transform lives.

Jen:

Number one, let me say thank you for your service to the community, and I had no idea until we kind of got to know each other a little bit more. But being a dispatcher for decades like you did is incredible, truly. Our dispatchers are like the first first responder right, they are. They very much are, yes, so I want to. I can understand why after a few decades, needed a change, but why the victim's unit?

Sandy:

Well, it was becoming a time for me to leave dispatch. It was just too much trauma, too much turmoil. I was just emotionally, physically tired. The last 25 years of my dispatch I spent on midnight shift and so my body was tired. It was just overwhelming and I decided I needed to change. But because I spent so long in public service, I didn't want to just leave. And then I started looking around for the different things I could do and I kept coming back to victim services and when I was taking my 911 calls I would try to work as best I could with our domestic violence victims, but I really had no time. So I started thinking that, instead of at the very beginning, perhaps I could work with them.

Jen:

How has that changed your life?

Sandy:

Before I had a great number of victims. I helped briefly and now I have much less volume, but I really delve into what they're going through a lot more volume, but I really delve into what they're going through a lot more. I won't say that the stories are any less traumatic or heartbreaking, but I really get to know the people a lot more and it feels really good to be able to help them out to the other side and before. All I could do is make sure they stayed alive until the officers got there.

Jen:

Yes, many times, as the 911 dispatcher when I've spoken with them before, is, they're just left with a voice right, they don't know what happened, never. Yeah, so now you're able to kind of pick up where it was left off and continue to help, and thank you for that. Where?

Sandy:

it was left off and continue to help and thank you for that. I can tell you that I believe, from doing all of our case reports, other things like that, I honestly believe it's our number one crime. It happens, happens all the time, happens in all sorts of different neighborhoods. There's no socioeconomic or demographic or anything. It happens everywhere and if you're a family that it hasn't happened in, well, you're really really lucky. It just is so prevalent, especially when you have things like economic problems or just like even this storm there was a flooded domestic violence incident last night because of the stress of the storm and it's just everywhere and I honestly believe it is our number one crime that we respond to.

Jen:

Wow, and for those listening when we talk about the storm, we're in Florida and we're all preparing for Milton, so all of our prayers go out to everybody who is preparing for this crazy weather event. So we're thinking of you and praying for you. There are resources available on my website, ineedbluenet. In Brevard County, you have Serene Harbor, the certified domestic violence shelter. You also have the women's shelter. Who am I missing, sandy?

Sandy:

You have all of the domestic violence advocates in all the different agencies. Most of our agencies have domestic violence advocates. Like myself I work for the Palm Bay Police Department and us and Serene Harbor and the Women's Center. We all basically do the same thing. It's just some like the Women's Center, they specialize in the counseling, and the Serene Harbor they specialize in the shelter and trying to get you out of this situation. But really we all pretty much do the same thing and so there's a lot more of us than people realize, because they only you know they only work with one in times of trouble.

Jen:

Yes, and I am aware that Serene Harbor does take women, men and pets. So many times when we're in a domestic violence situation, we don't want to leave our pet behind and you don't have pets. So many times when we're in a domestic violence situation, we don't want to leave our pet behind and you don't have to. So I think that's an important point to mention as well. But I tell you what, sandy, let's dig in and can you share some signs of domestic violence with us? Sure?

Sandy:

First of all, I do want to emphasize that you probably, if you have not been a victim of domestic violence and somebody in your family has it, I guarantee that somebody that you've come in contact has. However it's for the most part, most people keep it very private. It's a silent crime because people aren't out there broadcasting it. As my generation used to say, we don't air a dirty laundry, so it's everywhere and some of the different things that you can look for obvious, unexplained injuries. If you see somebody and frequently they have new bruises or what's said for things like that that might be going on with the domestic violence. They may appear overwhelmed, stressed or scattered. Their daily tasks might seem overwhelming. They may seem scared of their partner or way too eager to please their partner. That's a sign they might be nervous talking about their partner or around their partner. They might have an unexplained decline in their productivity.

Sandy:

Excessive absences, tardiness, like say, you are in a group of friends and you've known these friends for a long time and all of a sudden, where you used to get together all the time, now you don't. That might be what's going on. They might have a change in appearance or reluctance to discuss their home life. They may talk about their partner's anger or possessiveness. You might have major personality changes or may seem depressed, anxious or suicidal. I do want to note, however, that these things aren't just for domestic violence. Other things could be going on as well but they are indicators.

Jen:

Thank you so much for sharing. That is all very important information. I think I almost need to create a printable PDF with some of those signs for people to print off and have as a resource, because so easily we might listen to this podcast and five minutes when we're done, life happens and we've forgotten most of what we heard. That's true, absolutely. So I think that's a project I might take on so it's available for our audience.

Sandy:

So I want to talk about what you should do. If you suspect domestic violence, Please you can go and talk to the person that you think is a victim. Make sure you do it when the abuser is not around His or her family members, friends. You need to do it in private. You need to talk to them in need. Might not be what you want for them. Sometimes just them knowing that somebody knows their secret is enough. I have victims that say, please just document in your notes this is what happened to me, in case I disappear and they don't want to really do anything. They just want to understand that somebody knows about what's happening.

Sandy:

Don't ever place conditions upon your support. Don't say you know I will help you if you leave. I mean, clearly you want them to leave, but it's not always so cut and dry. I mean, clearly you want them to leave, but it's not always so cut and dry. And they need help and they want a friend or a family member, even if they can't leave. And people can't leave for different, various, a lot of reasons, the very biggest being economics. They can't, you know, if they have to make a choice whether to feed their kids and house their kids or go homeless a lot of times they're going to stay or if they don't have enough money to live.

Jen:

Right, and a lot of times the abuser has put them in a situation where they're not allowed to work or whatever money they have they have to give to the person, or they don't have access to the bank accounts and money and things like that.

Sandy:

That's very true. When you talk to them, offer resources. Don't try to be an expert, but, like you have on your website, places that they can go and help, that they can get, and make sure that they understand they are in control of the help you get. When I talk to them on the phone, I don't tell them what to do. I give them the information, I suggest that where they can go for help, but I don't tell them what to do. It is their choice, their free will. A lot of times has been taken from them, and part of reclaiming their life is reclaiming control of their life. So they need to understand that what they do, they are doing, they are empowering themselves to do it, and you need to understand that nothing might change, even though they have talked to you about it. Just simply you being there and talking to them and knowing what's going on, it might be enough for them. So your role is not to fix the problem.

Jen:

Your role is to give them resources and be there for them along the way, you know, I'm of the Oprah generation, where I used to watch her show in the afternoon and it was great and domestic violence victims would be on there. And I remember looking at the TV and, mind you, this was a few decades ago thinking to myself why don't you just leave? I don't get it, why don't you just leave? And that is still said and thought today, all the time. Yes, and that is the last thing you should say to somebody in this situation, right?

Sandy:

Well, first of all, when they leave is actually the most dangerous time, when the abuser has lost control, that's when things can get pretty violent. But really it's up to them when they leave. They know their needs, they understand the family dynamics, they understand how much they are capable of handling. It's not your decision, it's their decision. And that's where the non-judgmental part comes in, because you can't judge their life unless you have lived their life. You know it's different for every person. Some people leave the first time, some people, um, don't ever leave. Some people leave all in the middle. I've had victims in their 80s who have taken it their entire life. The time that you can leave or even want to leave is different for everybody.

Jen:

Absolutely. And what is part of the planning when it comes to somebody deciding they want to leave?

Sandy:

Well, you have to have a place to go. Not everybody just walks out. Most people plan their departure, collect the different documents you need, like security cards, birth certificates, things pack a bag of clothes, have somebody that can pick them up and take them to where they're going or a way to get there. They do it when their abuser is at work or out of town or, you know, down at the gym or whatever, because they don't want a huge scene which could potentially turn dangerous. Then you have kids. You want to take your kids and you want to get them to a safe spot, but you know the other person is their father or their mother and you can't deny them, and so it gets tricky. So definitely safety planning and an escape plan, and the Women's Center and Serene Harbor definitely excel at helping with that. Also, all the different advocates and the different agencies can help as well.

Jen:

Absolutely. Knowing that there are resources out there is so important, and that's part of the reason we're having this conversation today. One thing you had said at the luncheon is you talked about ethnicity. Can you elaborate on that?

Sandy:

Different cultures have different things that are considered domestic violence, where something might be of average and ordinary in one culture, might be extreme in another. So you have to understand their culture, where they're coming from, because it might be completely intolerable to you but it might be extremely normal for another culture. You can't judge it just upon yourself and that's the last thing you need to do is to judge. Now, obviously, if they're getting knocked around and they're full of bruises and they have broken arms, I mean I don't think any culture is all right with that, but some cultures are just. They're just more aggressive than others. Really, you just need to understand where they're coming from, or family situations. What goes on in one family as normal might not even be even close with another family.

Jen:

So what should somebody do?

Sandy:

Well, talk to the loved one First of all. Do they find it uncomfortable? Or maybe the loved one understands. You know, like if you hear somebody say, oh, they don't mean it, talk to them and find out. Do you consider this a problem? Do you consider this violence? Do you consider this dangerous? We all have our gut feelings where we know we're in danger. You know, I've talked to victims where I think things are extreme and they're like oh, yeah, yeah, no, I'm not really in danger, everything's all right. And then I've talked to other people where they take something that somebody has said and I'm thinking that's really no big deal and they're close to hysterical over it. It's just different people take different amounts. You know it has to be what they're uncomfortable dealing with, what they shouldn't be dealing with, and how can you help them?

Jen:

Yes, I like that. So let's talk about men and women, because they are both victims of domestic violence and I think and I got this from looking at Serene Harbor on LinkedIn is one in three women are victims and one in four men.

Sandy:

The difference men don't really want to come forward. You have the whole thing. You know I got beat up by a woman or they are taught to be strong and you know, silent, a lot of men don't want to. They're embarrassed. But that is slowly changing. I've seen some really bad beatings come from women. That is definitely changing. We do work with men all the time now, so it's not that it's not happening, it's just that they are more hesitant to report it.

Jen:

This is very true. That's been part of our conversation in the past and I'm glad to hear that some of that stigma is going away and that men are coming forward more. And you know, even when I'm out talking and they're like, oh, it's just sort of doesn't really happen to men, it's not possible. I was like no, it's just sort of doesn't really happen to men, it's not possible. I was like no, you don't understand. It does happen and it can be physical, but a lot of times it's the mental, emotional, psychological means of how they, how they can break someone down. We're all human, you know, at the end of the day, that's true.

Sandy:

I had two victims last week who were men, and they both took her back because they don't have money for a babysitter and they don't know anybody to babysit. So the child care isn't just a woman issue.

Jen:

Absolutely. Thank you for bringing that up. It's a good point. That up. It's a good point. In your role as victim advocate, do you play a role with the police officers in helping to educate? Are you a resource for them too, as they go out and be a resource and a helper in the community?

Sandy:

We do have them call us and ask for our advice of what we can do. We also go out and do preventative outreaches, like where I met you at the chamber lunch. We do things like that so that we can help educate the public.

Jen:

That's great, and thank you to the Palm Bay Police Department for all you do for the community as well. I think that anytime we can say thank you, it's important, because they get up every day and they do something that I have never done and I don't think I could do, and just like you, being a dispatcher for so long and even in your role now, thank you. It takes somebody very special to be in your shoes, so I appreciate you very special to be in your shoes, so I appreciate you Well.

Sandy:

Thank you so much for saying that, because as a dispatcher, we never get thanked, ever, ever, ever. As a victim advocate, I get thanked all the time. It's wonderful. I love seeing my victims come out of chaos and end up happy and successful and in charge of their lives, and they are always so gracious and happy and it makes me feel good.

Jen:

That's awesome. I want to instill hope and somebody who is listening and might be like I'll never get out, you know I recognize that's me. Can you share a story of somebody that you helped who, like you said, was in the beginning in the bad situation and then got themselves to where they are thriving today? Let's share a story of hope, shall we?

Sandy:

I tell you there's just so many stories. I had a woman who had several little kids. She wasn't working, which is common. I mean and I'm not saying that only abusers have women to stay home and take care of kids because that's the best job in the entire world, and that's not what I'm implying but she was cut off. She wasn't working, he was getting progressively worse and she didn't really have a lot of job skills.

Sandy:

She just one day, she fed up, got fed up and contacted us, called straight to our victim services unit and coming to us. It doesn't have to start with a police officer and everything we say with our victims is confidential. We don't go report back to the officers. So she hadn't even gone to an officer and she just called and said hey, you know what can I do? I want to leave, I don't have anywhere to go, I don't have any money, I have these little kids. And so we talked and we worked with her. We sent her to Serene Harbor and she sheltered there for a couple months. We were working with her. We ended up going and she got a restraining order. We went to court with her, transported her there.

Sandy:

The Women's Center was working with her or counseling, because you know, after you've been with an abuser for a certain length of time, it messes with your mind. And so she was successfully in counseling, getting new friends, had a new job, and I remember her saying it was like nine months into it and she called me one day and she said you know, I never thought nine months ago that my life would be worth anything. And here I am. I have my own apartment, my kids are healthy, happy, I have a job, I have new friends and I love my life. So there is a way out. It might not seem it at the time. Just don't think about the big picture. Just do your little baby steps and before you know it you'll be out the other end and so much happier.

Jen:

Absolutely, and sometimes life is about taking one minute at a time, one second at a time, right Sometimes?

Sandy:

it is. But you know what those seconds and those minutes add up to a happy future.

Jen:

Absolutely. Is there a confidential hotline?

Sandy:

We do not have a hotline. I can give you our phone number. It's 321-952-8998. It is not confidential, However. You don't have to leave your name if you don't want to. You don't have to leave your name if you don't want to.

Jen:

And, like I said, everything we say, that is said between us and the people who call us, is confidential and should someone call, do they just directly ask for the victim advocate?

Sandy:

You know they might say victim advocate or person who can help me, or I need help, or I just want to talk. You know they come about it all sorts of different ways, but what it is is this an important phone call they made to help themselves get better.

Jen:

Yes, and I know, like Serene Harbor and whatnot, they have a domestic violence hotline, so I will put all of that information in the show notes as well for somebody to easily obtain. Sandy, a very important topic. Is there anything you would like to add that I am missing?

Sandy:

I just want to say that if you do suspect that somebody is going through this, talk to them by themselves. Kindly, talk to them by themselves. Kindly, don't be afraid that you might be wrong, because if you're wrong then hopefully they'll understand that you were doing it out of a place of love and support. And don't be surprised if the first few times they do say that you're wrong, because it's a very, very private affair. It's better to be wrong than it is to wake up one day and hear that you know your friend is dead. So just be patient, be kind, be supportive and, above all else, don't take their tail and tell it to anybody. That is their story to give.

Jen:

Absolutely, and one of my favorite things to say is you matter.

Sandy:

Absolutely. I could not have said that better.

Jen:

Yes, sandy. Thank you so much for being my guest on the I Need Blue podcast. Well, thank you so much for having me. You are so welcome. This is Jen Lee, host of the I Need Blue podcast. Thank you so much for listening today. To learn anything and everything about I Need Blue, visit my website, wwwineedbluenet. Visit my website, wwwineedbluenet. As always, remember you are stronger than you think. Until next time.