A Journey of Loss, Suicide, and the Fight Against Cancer: Carolyn's Guide to Healing and Spiritual Awakening

In this deeply moving episode of the I Need Blue podcast, Carolyn, the inspiring founder of Ocean Sands Wellness, shares her extraordinary journey through unimaginable loss and personal challenges.

After the tragic loss of her son, enduring a difficult divorce, facing the emotions of her brothers suicide, and battling breast cancer, Carolyn embarked on a path of unexpected spiritual awakening.

Through her experiences, she uncovered six key influences of stress and now channels her insights into a unique blend of healing practices, including cranial sacral therapy, lymphatic drainage, coaching, and Reiki.

Carolyn's story is a powerful testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the transformative strength we all have within.

Connect with Carolyn:
Website: www.oceansandswellness.com
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/Oceansandswellness/
Business: 321-389-9547
Carolyn's recommended reading list for Personal & Spiritual Growth can be found on https://ineedblue.net/

Connect with Jen:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ineedbluepodcast/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCp1q8SfA_hEXRJ4EaizlW8Q
Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61567221068683
Website: https://ineedblue.net/
Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/i-need-blue/id1567450935

Loved this episode? Leave us a review and rating here: https://podcastsconnect.apple.com/my-podcasts/show/i-need-blue/cf77fdb3-396e-4c1c-82aa-c2c3f6d1eee2/ratings-and-reviews

Purchase  my book: Why I Survived:  How Sharing My Story Helped Me Heal from Dating Abuse, Armed Robbery, Abduction, and Other Forms of Trauma by Jennifer Lee
https://whyisurvived.com/



The background music is written, performed and produced exclusively by Char Good.
https://chargood.com/home

Transcript

 Everyone has a story. They just don't always have a place to share it. 

Welcome to I Need Blue, the podcast about to take you on an extraordinary journey where profound narratives come to life, one captivating episode at a time. I'm your host, Jennifer Lee, and I founded this podcast because I know there is healing and sharing. Each story you will hear shared on this podcast is a testament to our collective strength, innate ability to transform, and the incredible power of healing.

Please  remember, you are never alone. Please visit and share my website with those seeking connection and inspiration, www. ineedblue. net.  Thank you, Char Good, for composing and performing the introduction medley for I Need Blue. You can find information about Char on her website, www. chargood.  com. Before starting today's episode, I must provide a trigger warning.

I Need Blue features graphic themes, including but not limited to violence, abuse, and murder, and may not be suitable for all listeners. Please take care of yourself and don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it. Now let's get started with today's story.  I am excited to introduce my friend and guest, Carolyn. 

We met during a networking luncheon.  As we talked, she smiled and her energy radiated positivity. During this luncheon, you can win a door prize from one of the attendees. I happen to win a gift certificate to Ocean Sands Wellness, a holistic practice inviting clients to heal their bodies with the guidance of an intuitive coach. 

Carolyn is the founder. I was so excited, I came home and immediately made an appointment to try craniosacral therapy. Honestly, something I had never heard of and never tried. When I was done with the therapy, the best way I can describe how I felt,  transformative.  Carolyn and I have become quick friends.

Each with our own journeys and pains. But with a joint mission to help others,  I'm excited to introduce her to you.  Today, we're going to delve a little deeper into Carolyn's profound journey,  a narrative woven with heartbreak and resilience.  She'll share the harrowing experience of losing a son, navigating the turbulent waters of divorce.

Thanks Embracing the role of a devoted caregiver and confronting her battle with breast cancer. Through this powerful story, Carolyn will illuminate six key influences of stress that shaped her path and the unexpected moments of spiritual awakening that emerged from the depth of her struggles. In 2022, Carolyn became the founder of Ocean Sands Wellness. 

Her blended artistry of massage therapy, cranial sacral therapy, lymphatic drainage, coaching, and Reiki healing.  She believes we can all heal our bodies from within by opening our hearts, inviting emotions to be felt, and releasing the limiting beliefs holding us back from living our best life.  Prepare to be inspired as we explore how tapping into the hidden language of your own body through physical, emotional, and spiritual ways can lead to profound transformation. 

Carolyn, I am so excited you are joining me today. Thank you. And welcome to the I Need Blue podcast. Thank you so much, Jennifer. It's a pleasure.  Absolutely. It's just how I like to start my Monday mornings.  You bet. You bet. Kick off the week. Both of us in Florida.  Absolutely. We kind of discussed beforehand about taking everything in chronological order.

Talking about your experiences, the stressors associated with it, and the, the spiritual awakening,  your journey begins with losing your son.  I have not experienced that. I will say I have met other ladies who have,  and it's very hard for them. to talk about it, let alone come on a podcast and share it.  So will you share your story with us today?

And, um, what got you to the point where you can speak with me today in this format? Yeah, thank you so much. And I appreciate you allowing and holding the space for this story. Um, you know, as we were both preparing for today, I mentioned that You know, personally, as I've gone through events in my life, the ups and the downs, which we all have, you just figure it out, you know, you figure it out and you, you go through and I hadn't been one to talk much about it, certainly not posting on social media, et cetera.

But I had a, a close friend say to me, you know, in sharing your story, it might help somebody. And I hadn't really thought of it that way, that there may be a nugget. of healing support in the journey that may resonate with someone. So I appreciate you holding the space.  So I was married in 1990 and, and like, uh, many events in our life, and you mentioned at the outset, kind of the energy stressors, you know, even, even a positive event, like a marriage is a stressor, but it was, it was a happy time.

And my husband and I, um, were starting a new life in Michigan. I grew up in the Northeast and it was a fun time. And we weren't going to have a child, uh, very quickly and, and the backdrop is I didn't want a child. I was. Climbing the corporate ladder, very successful and having, having fun doing it.  And then, uh, like they often say, the biological clock starts ticking in my early thirties. 

And I was blessed to be, well, I was pregnant in 97, he was born in 98,  but I had a hidden blood condition, an autoimmune disorder that I knew I had since my 20s and I didn't think much about it. I, I was able to live without any type of medication. However, during pregnancy with the hormonal changes, it very much, um, caused, caused some, some problems for the pregnancy.

So in Michigan there was a, a doctor doing research and he was very confident that there was a procedure he could do to me, um, to ensure that, uh, my condition wasn't passing through to the baby. And the reason for that is if the baby had my condition, uh, they would not want to deliver naturally because he could, could have a bleeding, uh, challenge. 

So I thought, fine, I'm, I'm full term and let's go. And there was, uh, what we understood to be, um, hardly any, any risk. And I proceeded with the procedure. Unfortunately, the procedure, uh, caused a catastrophic failure in, uh, where it was positioned in my, in my umbilical cord. The subsequent five days after that, um, procedure, I just, I just don't even remember being in my body, you know, I, I don't even remember,  I just remember existing and I, and I, and I say that because I, when I look back, I really feel like I was outside my body looking at this unfolding tragedy ahead of me. 

So Ian was born with no blood. I'd say 70 percent of his blood was, was gone because of the needle poke and he had no breathing.  So now you know with limited oxygen, uh, just from a standpoint of minutes that there's going to be complications. So we just went through the motions for the next five days. We, we watched him go through a bowel resection surgery, several blood transfusions.

Um, A lot of tubes in and out of him. And  I don't remember bonding at all because I, I guess intuitively I knew he wasn't going to stay on this earth.  So the fourth day I had this feeling like I needed to go to the chapel. My husband had gone home to, to risk, 'cause it had been a, obviously a very stressful week.

And I asked the nurse to take me to the chapel and I, I walked in, I saw the cross. And I just knelt all by myself and asked God, What do you want me to do? I'm so confused. I know I'll have, um, a very disabled son and I don't feel prepared for that. However, if, if that's what you want from me, then you gotta give me a sign.

And if that's not what you want, then you've gotta give me a sign. So I said a quiet prayer, got back in the elevator with the nurse, went up to my room, fell asleep.  My husband came back in the next morning and the doctors came in first rounds with the film, I will call it, the, the x ray. They walked in and my, my husband and I looked at them and they said, well, we're going to need to show you something that occurred this morning with Ian. 

And they put the original brain scan up where you could see Uh, that his fluid levels were, were being managed fine and, and there wasn't any compromised tissue. And then they showed that morning, uh, that fifth day now, where he had a massive stage four brain hemorrhage.  So we looked at each other and I thought to myself, wow.

That's a sign and for it was giving me chill bumps, which is my sign that, uh, I'm getting, getting a confirmation.  Fortunately, my, my husband and I were of the same mind that we weren't going to do anything more to, to save him. We had believed through that week that he truly lived hell on earth and that, uh, life, uh, in heaven would be a lot better.

More pleasant.  So we had a doctor work with us to disconnect life support in a very measured way. We had, uh, surrounded by clergy that we were close to, family my mom had flown in, and we literally held him and said our goodbyes before they disconnected the life support.  And I remember holding him while he passed.

And when he passed, I shut down.  My heart closed up,  but I didn't know that at the time what that was going to mean for my journey, the subsequent 15 years. And that's where we'll, we'll end up going. Uh, my husband held him for another half hour  and I went in the bathroom and had the most deep gut wrenching cry of my life.

And then I pulled it together and said, that's it. Figure it out.  Stuff, stuff, stuff. Part of the journey that we'll talk about is When you, in the beginning you mentioned inviting emotions to be felt. Uh, no, no, no, that wasn't going to happen. No, no, that was it. You got to stuff those emotions, Carolyn, because you got to function.

Did you have the thoughts of, you know, I'm, I'm just never going to love again. I'm going to close myself off. It was a control thing. You'll love this. Like, okay, uh, we hired an attorney to see if we could get a malpractice suit. None of that, none of that came to bear because that wasn't the plan. The plan was, Carolyn, you want to get pregnant after.

Ian's anniversary, which was May 13th of 98,  and I got pregnant with Sam in December  of 98.  So, I didn't get to have that anniversary, and that was fine. It distracted me, and it made me more emboldened, getting pregnant so soon. It made me more emboldened to  advocate for myself, to ask more questions. Holy cow, when I look back at that procedure, it was highly invasive and I can't believe that doctor was so cavalier about my care just because I was full term. 

So I, I was not fearful when I was pregnant with Sam. Uh, you know, that's my son now. I was just, you're not doing that to me again, so let's figure out how to manage my condition, which did the same thing with hormonal issues and blood issues as it did prior. And I had a healthy baby boy in 1999, which was a magical year, a magical date  and a magical boy.

So I'll tell it now because it fits in later. But what I learned as I started to, uh, understand the emotion that I'd stuffed down, um, it emerged in 2014 was,  You know, Sam was the one meant to be here.  Ian was not. And if you learn anything about the soul's journey,  that was intentional. You know, God had plans for Ian that, uh, that were to be on this earth. 

And I firmly believe that he guides Sam in the military now, and, uh, he's doing whatever he's meant to be doing elsewhere. Wow. So somebody who is going through or has gone through what you did, what would you tell them? That you're not alone, you know, you're not prepared for that as a first born, everything's so happy, right?

The gender reveal, all of that, um, you're not alone. And interestingly,  when we had come home from the hospital, the neighborhood was a young neighborhood and it was silent, there was not a person outside, they all knew we were coming home, yet they all just held space for us.  And as people visited,  they, you know, understood that this was a tragic event.

And I just remember we were comforting others more than they were comforting us  because somehow we knew  that this wasn't the end of our journey as parents.  And we joined a support group. I would say, give yourself permission.  Because a lot of people say, I don't, I don't want to, you know, be in a support group.

That's okay. But you make an assumption of what it might be like. Give yourself permission to go once, and if that doesn't feel like it's for you, then you give yourself permission to not go again. But you might find, as we did,  With 30 other parents in that room that night who had lost children of varying ages, that holy cow,  this is a lot more common than you think.

And there's strength in that. There's strength in knowing that you're not alone. Absolutely.  Absolutely. I'm so glad you talked about when you came home and how your neighbors had surrounded you because so many times for people who are on the outside, right, looking in, they don't necessarily know what you need, how to approach it.

Um, some just, they stay away in fear of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong things, but somebody listening, was there one particular thing that you remember that was like, wow. Thank you. That made such a difference. Yeah.  I'm smiling. Interesting enough, because as you directed that question, one, uh, woman comes to mind. 

I think we make a  judgment that,  like you said, it's so uncomfortable and we ask more. Like, whatever you need, let me know. The person going through that crisis doesn't know what they need. They really don't. There's so much happening. So instead, this woman,  she just brought stuff, man. She knew I loved m and ms, and she came in with a big ginormous bag of m  and ms.

I love the energy, it wasn't a happy energy, it was just like, I'm here, you're not gonna tell me not to do what I'm about to do, and here's your M& M's, and here's a bunch of magazines, and I'm gonna sit and just  be with you.  You're numb, there's no logic, there's no, there's no understanding of how to be, and when we talk about those emotional stressors,  That's so much of an emotional stress. 

You don't know how to understand how to navigate. No one's, no one's telling you you could lose a firstborn child. What? Or any child. And I'm not comparing, miscarriage, anything that you've built a connection to it, not only in your body, but in your soul around thoughts that you might have about the future, right?

We project these stories in our head and, um, that's gone. So if you were to ask what we could, we could suggest to others is If you can't physically be there, send, send a card, send, uh, this recurring food service that you can do now. Couldn't do that in the 90s, but anything that you think that that person may need.

Beyond just saying that you'd like to help, right? Like you said, they don't know how to help. So if you come in and kind of just control the situation, observe, listen. There's a lot to be said for just being with someone. I have to imagine you aren't necessarily looking for someone to fix it because they can't fix it.

Right. But just being present works being present, holding that space. Yep. I love that. How did it affect your marriage? My former husband, uh, I think just got stuck in that time. He became very depressed. Um, he felt somehow responsible for the decision we made to do the procedure  and, uh, it kind of locked him in that time frame.

I wasn't aware of it at the time, though. Right? So you're, you're not only dealing with your own physical, mental, emotional needs as an individual, I'm also a woman that was going through, as you can imagine, I had a baby. So your physical body still thinks you have a baby.  Uh, so I had to get all of that out of my system. 

Back in, uh, order over whatever natural period of time it took,  I remember that we held space for each other in kind of a yin yang way naturally. When he was down, I was up. When I was down, he was up. But uh, over a period of time, there was just this, um, interesting, I think, distance. And then when Sam was born, of course, we  was a year later ish, uh, we threw our effort and energy into him, and not that we forgot Ian.

But, uh, I was hellbent on making sure that my health was, uh, good and that, you know, he was, he was going to be in good health too.  A divorce did ensue in 2009. Yeah, Sam was 10 and you know many times they say that when you go through that experience It does take a toll on your marriage and I appreciate you said along with couple therapy There's individual therapy because as a woman you go through, you know different things as well  I was not aware of the deep seated grief I had stuffed literally in my gut.

And if anyone knows about the chakras, oh yeah, it sits right there in that sacral area.  Uh, do you remember, uh, physically, we both felt like we were having heart attacks. That's something to share with your audience that your body.  We'll process grief and emotion  if you are able to connect it and understand that's what's happening.

We weren't able to connect it then. And at that time, we literally thought we were having a heart attack. So separately, we went to the doctor and it was a broken heart. It really feels tight. and painful.  And knowing what I know now about mind body connection and, um, I would have been able to, to manage through that, uh, probably better for both of us.

Uh, it was not meant to be, but,  and then again, I said, we got pregnant fairly quickly. So we threw our effort into, uh, into him, into Sam. And  I just think we parked some of that grief and it was unresolved. In 2016,  my brother, who's only four years older than I,  had a stroke.  And a month later, my best friend, who was a year younger,  died of cancer. 

It hit me as if he'd thrown a brick at my face.  Oh my God, I'm only in my early 50s and I could die? Or I could have a catastrophic  event that changes the course of my life?  And then I, I stood with myself for a minute and said, and I'm doing this work like it isn't meaningful anymore. And there was nothing wrong with the company.

Nothing had changed with them, but I was changing. I was questioning why am I here?  2017 was a pivotal year for that journey to start to unwind. I had mentally committed to quitting  and I thought to myself, I've got a lot of work life left. What am I going to do?  And, you know, part of my job as an HR person was to coach, and I enjoyed it, was good at it.

So I thought, okay, I'll go be a life coach.  And in the end of 2017, I gave my notice.  And, uh, started the program in, uh, early 18. And this is when some of the lessons that I've learned are, uh, make me smile again. Back to control. Oh, this is my path. This is what I'm going to do. This is what it's going to look like.

You know, that's the world I'd lived in. Plan five years in advance, build goals, et cetera.  So I go through the program, enjoy it. I learn all about these stressors, these energy levels, and, and how they impact you.  And as I graduate, my other brother, who's only two years older than I, John,  um, was starting to really have some mental health issues that were unavoidable.

To, um, to ignore  it's brought on from my, my dad passed in 17, uh, he was 92. So you kind of think, well, he lived a good life.  Um, but my brother was left in the house. He'd never left in the house. He never left the house. He was left with my mom at, uh, she was 91. And what I started to notice is my brother realizing like, what is going to happen to me?

And he had no ability to cope with, uh, some of the life stressors that we're talking about.  Um, I'll just fast forward to the month after I graduated. Um, my brother John, uh, took his life.  And for the six weeks prior to that event,  I had done everything in my, quote, control and power to help him.  Mental health, medication, counseling, everything.

And yet,  at first it wasn't enough.  But when you understand a little bit more about suicide,  the shame and the pain  that he felt was so deep  that no amount of peripheral support from  anyone was going to change that outcome for him.  But what it did was it threw that quote plan in total disarray because now I had  My 91 year old mother,  because I was the closest physically to where she was in an assisted living facility. 

I also had, uh, my son, who now, uh, 2018, was graduating from high school and going off to college.  I had a full time job  and now I had my brother's, and he, he loves me for this, but I do call it a mess. There was a lot of mess to clean up. There was a mess of, uh, stuff in many outbuildings  and storage sheds to get rid of.

And you know what I did, Jennifer? I was overwhelmed.  And then I said to myself, rely on what you do best. And that was organizing and figuring like a project. This is going to be, um, what it's going to be. And I said to myself that day, whatever day that was, that it's going to take me eight months to unwind this mess,  the power of intention.

It's not only a great book,  but. I sold his house  and wrapped up selling all his stuff, outbuilding, sheds, etc.,  literally the  eighth month to the day,  to the day.  I could not believe it.  Amazing. And there is a lot to be said about being intentional. I just worked on a vision board for my podcast, uh, my husband and I are going to do one for us.

Thanks. Thanks. Oh, I love that as a couple. Yes. Yep. We're in the game together. Right?  Absolutely.  Grief comes in different forms. You have your brother who you said you had tried.  You know, you tried to talk with him, get him help, maybe feeling like, I didn't do enough. I couldn't help him.  Yeah, so it, it actually, Jennifer brings up, um, my frustration, uh, with the healthcare system at the time.

It's very divided between the mental health and the physical health. And when I was able to get him to a physical doctor, he was overweight and there were other issues. So we wanted to just check to make sure he was as healthy as he could be to get through the stressing that he was under.  But he couldn't connect me to the mental health. 

So I navigated that on my own. And by the grace of God, with the corporate background I had, I, I was effective to a point, but it made me very aware of how many people don't have that ability and are unable or alone.  And I, you know,  Share that because it's one of the catalysts for the work I do now with people around trauma, stress, health, because I know the system's broken and we can complain about it till the cows come home, or we can help people navigate as best they can with what we have. 

And I think this is difficult for people who are suicide loss survivors.  It is not ours to own. During the suicide, I did a lot of therapy through them, right? Through, through the suicide, um, prevention organization AS NAMI. You know, all of that is such a, so great resources. But someone said something very, very, um, poignant that sticks with me.

No amount of someone with a healthy mind  can then work with someone who is not healthy  and try to fix, quote unquote. What they feel is broken,  because none of us are broken.  My brother had, he died in his mid fifties. He had a lifetime of what we call, right, our programming.  And what I realize now,  through the work I've done on myself and the work I'm doing to help others,  is he never got support  through some of the trauma patterns that were created for him.

My mom walled him off and isolated him, protected him. And when my dad passed, no one talked about the grief for him,  right? And then he sees my mom aging and, um, he chose to exit before my mom  died. We always thought once mom dies and, and, you know, dad's passed that we'll work with John to, to figure out how to help him.

No, no, that wasn't going to be the plan. He, he wanted out before that.  I don't believe that, uh, that was necessarily a bad thing.  He could see that this was traumatizing for him. His life was not. Something he could envision beyond the way it had always been.  Your mom was still alive at this time in an assisted living.

Yeah. Did she talk about the loss of her son? Well, uh, hopefully there's not going to be a lot of judgment around this next statement, but we spoke to those, uh, doctors and those in the assisted living.  Uh, my brother died by suicide two days before Thanksgiving.  So clearly he wasn't going to be at the table. 

And we were advised that, uh, because she's isolated, it would not be advisable to tell her that he died by suicide.  So we never verbalized the suicide. We told her that he died in his sleep from a heart attack.  And that was very difficult, Jennifer, because that's a lie, right? That's a lie.  But it was intended to allow  her some semblance of grief  without having the stories we tell ourselves that I had already gone through,  without having anybody to, to bounce those off of and start to. 

Intuitively, I think she knew, to be honest with you. But.  But.  Uh, as I share the stuffing of emotion, that's the way our family was.  So there was no talking about it. There was no even hinting around a question. That was the way, you just kept things quiet,  you moved along, and I believe I'm here to, to help, uh, I won't say correct, because there's nothing wrong with that, except that  I'm here to clear that for the generations, uh, because in 2019, my mom had a catastrophic fall in that, the sister living in Maine,  uh, when you have a parent at that age fall, you think a hip's gonna be broken, actually she broke her back,  so she would have been paralyzed.

And I'm ever grateful that my mom and I had a very open discussion around death. And I think this is good to bring in today, actually.  You know, there's only two things we're sure of, right? Death and taxes. And we joke about it, but so many people are fearful of what's going to happen when they pass. And my mom was very open with that.

I knew her wishes, and it served me well.  Because she was very highly medicated because of the pain she was in.  And when my sister and I had to make the decision as to whether or not she should get  surgery at 91,  we knew she wouldn't want it because the outcome was she'd be in a wheelchair.  I also knew she didn't want any extraordinary, uh, means help. 

So when she awoke from  some of the, uh, medication she had been under, I asked her, I said, Mom, did we make the right decision?  We chose not to get you, uh, uh, operated on. And then she looked up at me. And she said, Carolyn, I do not want to be here.  And I took that literally, and I said, then we need to get you out of the hospital. 

Because they're going to do everything they can to keep you here.  I said, are you open to hospice?  And she said, yes,  got us in and out of that hospital in less than two days to get her a bed in hospice. And then my sister held the space for her. My sister stayed with her. But I'll tell you the most beautiful thing that I was able to do is I was able to say goodbye to my mom. 

And as I was over her and holding her hand and I told her how much I loved her, I started to cry, sob, you know, that ugly cry. And she looked up at me and she said, stop crying.  And I look right back at her and I said, no.  I will not stop crying. And then I proceeded to tell her how important she was in my life and how I was going to miss her.

And then the four hour ride home to New Hampshire from, from that facility in Maine, I continued to just cry and cry and cry. What a release,  right? What a release.  And, uh, we didn't  catch, uh,  the energy healing work I had in 2018 that started to unlock my heart from the grief I had experienced with Ian.  Um, where I mentioned it sits in your, in your gut.

It sits in your, in your chakra area, in your, in your belly.  That was continuing to release a lot of grief from my brother's death, my dad's death, from my  son's death. And once you open that space in your body,  that's when the heart can receive.  I was not aware of that until then.  Wow, that's amazing. When your mom said, stop crying, you were like, no. 

Like you, you owned your emotions and you owned, I can do this my way and it's okay.  Incredible insight, Jennifer, because that was the first and the only time that I would recall ever. Kind of bean in her face and wow, I'm sure it was uncomfortable for her, but what I didn't share back in  98 after Eam was born is I saw her  from afar crying in my garden because she was a gardener.

It was her release and her way of grieving for me and my son. and for my husband, but we never spoke about it. I never told her I saw her because I knew it wouldn't go well. It wouldn't have been comfortable for her, but yet  someone hearing this might think, Oh my God, go give her a hug. Um, just wasn't part of our family dynamic,  but guess what?

That doesn't mean it can't be. So to your point, I made a decision then that that was not going to be my lot in life.  You know, it's interesting because, uh, I've had a similar experience, but not with those circumstances.  I grew up also Catholic and, you know, our parents are of the generation where, you know, if you honor thy father and mother, you really don't have a voice, but we become adults and we have the right to share our voice.

And that's scary, right? And it can be shocking for the parents. And my parents have said, well, you know what? I'm the mom. You can't say that. And I gently come back and I was like, well, I'm, I'm an adult now and I can share this and it's okay.  Yeah. And the energy work that I do, um, which you're referencing are the belief systems that we have.

If you're a similar situation as you're describing in your family, you're not, um, kind of allowed to challenge your beliefs when you're in that, in that family unit. Well, guess what? You're an adult woman now, and if you were told something back when you were 10,  I've often said this to clients, go back to that 10 year old. 

Are you that 10 year old still? And the answer is, of course, not. So what, what makes it not, what makes you not able to change that belief?  It's just,  I guess I can. Wow. And you get yourself permission to change that belief. And all of a sudden I have a choice. And life is all about choices.  And I think, honestly, you start out at that 10 year old and you don't have a voice, but part of releasing the pain,  the shame, the guilt, the anger that you might.

Not realized you were feeling at 10, right? Those are some heavy emotions that came in a little bit later in life. When you find your voice  and you can share it, even with your parents, it's empowering.  And I think that's an important part of a healing journey as well. What do you think?  Wholeheartedly, because as you were just referencing that,  when you find your power, most people aren't aware that it sits right in your throat. 

You feel tightness, coughing,  swallowing,  pause and ask yourself, what's happening right now? Am I not able to speak up for myself? Is there something holding me back? What is it?  We're never taught  through our life to connect the mind shatterer, as some people call it, that monkey brain of stories that  constantly play in our head.

with where we're feeling those emotions and those tension patterns. Um, and when you kind of search yourself, you literally can feel lighter, can feel as if those pain points that you're experiencing are.  You know, I want to say one thing to our audience and then I want you to share about your cancer diagnosis. 

And it's going to go right back to what you said.  When you find yourself clearing your throat or coughing,  it's not that you're sick.  There is something deeper going on. And I found  that when I kept getting into one particular place, I kept clearing my throat and coughing and I already knew I was like, it's my throat chakra.

I'm supposed to be saying something.  I'm not sure what it is right now.  I'm not sure of the time, but I am aware that there is a conversation that's going to be had.  And within, in giving, knowing that and giving myself that space, I was able to also work up  the confidence to know that I was going to have to confront something that might be uncomfortable. 

So to the audience, when you find your body doing those things, listen,  take the time to prepare, be aware, sit with it,  and, and pray and decide when the time comes how to present your feelings, your emotions,  how the other person might possibly react,  um, and, and prepare yourself. And sometimes we have to walk away. 

from things or people, um, once we have those conversations,  but there's always a reason, right? There's always a reason. So beautifully, beautifully articulated, Jennifer. And it loops me back to the coaching where your audience, uh, recalls my thinking that I was going to be a coach and maybe wondering what did she end up doing?

Well, I firmly believe that training was for me personally to unwind my limited beliefs my assumptions, my reaction versus response to stressors in my life  and  prepare me  for what occurred in 2020, which I managed and navigated through in a beautifully different way that I can even imagine happening.

It was a true spiritual awakening.  And like you said,  sitting with  an event that's occurring or a situation.  We're so quick to react, which is a typical stress response to something.  And if we could just sit and literally take a deep breath in,  and allow that breath out  to clear some of the cobwebs and noise that's chatting in our head,  then we might find it's not the right time.

Like you said, it might be best to just step away and come back at this. Um, yet again, we aren't taught that. We're not taught those skills of pausing, listening, and tuning in. Like you're saying, tuning in to our body.  We just rush quickly to get, uh, it fixed from somebody because it's bothersome. Now tune into it because you might be able to help clear it for yourself. 

Absolutely. You mentioned in 2020  the cancer diagnosis. And what's ironic about that is also in 2020, my dad was diagnosed with cancer right at the beginning of the pandemic too. So as the person trying to take care of him, I kind of understand that stress of, he can't go out. I got to wash all of the groceries and, you know, all of these, different stressors, if you will,  that were attached to just that time alone for getting the cancer diagnosis.

So tell me, what was it like for you?  So, it was, um, transformational in this, uh, in, in the way it unfolded, and I'm only going to share that it was not conscious, and I'll explain, uh, how that, how that is.  In the latter part of 19, I actually bought this house in Florida, but I still lived up in New Hampshire, and I was, uh, working for a consulting company.

and I had flexibility. I figured I'd just come down here. So I did. I, I hung out even during COVID. I had lots of hairy eyeballs looking at me, but I did. I flew down here with my mask and everything and I hung out in my house and then I flew back and, and did my thing in, uh, in New Hampshire.  But, uh, in May, I felt a lump on my breast  and I I knew immediately it wasn't normal.

It felt like a hard little BB.  But I didn't panic.  It was the most surreal thing. I had a mammogram already scheduled two weeks later and I just said, you know, I'm just going to sit with this.  So I met the mammogram. Of course, you're all masked up and everything. And I just directed the tech and I said, look, I do feel this here.

So she, she did her thing. And of course it came back, uh, suspicious.  And then I was scheduled, um, for a biopsy and cancer hadn't come into the word, you know, it hadn't been a word that was mentioned yet to, to their credit.  They don't know, right? They shouldn't ideally mention it until they know. So after, uh, the biopsy, there was a woman I was assigned and I did say to her, I said, look, when you get the results, just tell me,  don't sugarcoat it if it is.

And I knew intuitively, honestly, Jennifer, I knew it was cancer, but for some reason I knew it wasn't deadly.  So if I visited my house again. I think it was June.  And I got the call. I'm sitting at the same table I'm sitting at with you. I got the call. And she said, um, I do have to tell you something. And I knew just by her voice. 

I took my head and just said, stay present, stay present, stay present. And I had my notebook. And she proceeded to tell me it was stage two cancer  and, uh, or maybe they didn't know it was staging yet. Sorry. It was cancer. And that, uh, she, she proceeded to tell me what I needed to do.  And I remember staying all together, keeping it all together until the end of the call.

And then I got up from my chair, went into my bedroom and just let out another visceral cry. Like, what does this mean?  But the shift was instead of.  Thinking like, why did this happen to me? I said to myself,  why not? Who am I? Like, why am I any different? I started to really lean into what is this supposed to mean in my life. 

And I got angry because at that time I had felt like I had passed through some of the tragedies that had happened, uh, successively for the last three years.  I then just leaned into journaling.  Because I had so much in myself  I had no one to talk to, really, other than friends and, and co workers, to which I called everybody.

I'm the kind of person, like, I want information. I want to know everybody else's experience so that I can feel like if there's anything I can glean from that, that will help me, I'll use it. And when I shared, beautiful things came in, beautiful sayings and stories, and back to when Ian died, you're not alone. 

You really aren't alone, and no matter what cancer it is.  So, I was back in New Hampshire, had had the biopsy, um, I was scheduled for a lumpectomy, was very focused on my, uh, my body at that point, to the point where I didn't want to focus on the cancer. I knew it was in there, I just wanted it out.  So I found my orientation to be more around what's around me, nature, my relationships with my friends and family, my son at the time, uh, by this point was done with college and thinking of going into the military.

It was COVID, we were in lockdown. So I just  really became present. And I'm not saying that was conscious.  I walked outside and noticed a hawk every day. I noticed the trees in New Hampshire were beautiful. I also believe God put that in my path.  Because it was going to again, inform the work I do now on the physical and emotional parts of people when I went through the surgery.

I had  a phenomenal team.  I also went through 30 days of radiation and I thought these people were absolute angels.  They're dealing with  so many of us every day working on treating our cancer. And with that experience, I had the choice to really go inward and fight that feeling of, of this is happening to me or practice all that coaching learning that I had to go outward.

And that was the lesson. The lesson was you have that ability, use it, use that ability to help others. And it wasn't going to be, you're, you're going to die from this. Like I just kept saying, you gave me this, but it's, it's a very treatable form of cancer. Thank you. I started to be very grateful for the little things that were occurring. 

Stop and think about and feel into  what it is that you have, not that what you don't have. In this social media world, we're comparing and despairing all the time. We see everybody else's life is better than ours, but what about yours?  Your life is just as meaningful. If you choose to, again, look at what you have around you and not compare it to others, uh, that never, never feels good.

That's an amazing message. Uh, I think it's a great message to end on, but before we wrap up, please tell us about Ocean Sands Wellness and how that came to be, of course. Thank you. Yeah, so it started as coaching and then, um, as I felt called to, uh,  become, um, not only a Reiki master and, and understand the energy healing side of, of our bodies, but also the physical through my massage therapy license, uh, I switched it to wellness because it's holistic.

It's really looking at the whole person. I have many clients come in and they're, you know, I've got a pain in their shoulder, but actually there's other parts of their body that are, uh, wanting attention. And if, um, there's a therapy that I have in my toolkit, then they'll get that on the table. So there's often that blended approach to helping, um, not only the, the emotional component of someone that may want to divulge something and we are able to talk through but also physically get through it, but also the physical and even the lymphatic if there's a noticeable misalignment and swelling and such.

So it's, um, It's a beautiful experience that I'm having. I'm, I'm kind of leaning into this energy a little bit more around the stress responses that, uh, you, you have on that handout. Uh, next year, I'm going to be launching a program to help others understand how to better manage through the stresses in their life, uh, with a different mindset and how those stressors impact their body through pain, through inflammation.

It's all your body's way of communicating. It doesn't speak English. It speaks through the pain and inflammation and it speaks through anxiety. Absolutely. And anger, grief, joy, everything. Right. And emotions are not good or bad. We are human beings. We experience emotions. They're all relevant. Absolutely. Do you offer any services that somebody can get, say, via Zoom or via a phone call?

Absolutely. Yes. Thank you. Yes. Um, I do. I am trained from my coaching training in a proprietary assessment that measures stress response and an energetic profile. It's called Energy Leadership Index, and people could look that up online or you can provide the link to. I have, um, Coach people through that assessment and  it allows them a window into what is causing stress in their life and how can they view it differently with a response versus reaction to those stressors. 

I love that. I really want people to be able to connect with you outside of our local area. Oh, perfect. Yeah. And so they can do that, um, via that particular service that you offer. So wonderful. Is there anything that you want to add?  I guess I would sum up, um, sum up our, our conversation with, uh, just the way I've looked at, uh, the journey and it's that our life is like a, a bunch of pieces in a puzzle when you really think about it.

And some of those puzzle pieces fit,  uh, like initially my marriage and then not. Right. So some of the puzzle pieces fit, some of them don't,  but our job is just, you know, to live our best life here. And what does that look like for you? You deserve that.  And to allow those pieces of the puzzle to, to fit, to shift and believe in and trust that you are exactly where you need to be and stay present.

I can't say that enough.  Your feet are firmly planted on the ground. If you could keep your head there too, you know, in the moment. Uh, rather than in the past or in the future.  You will find that stress response, that physical way of being so much lighter if you're able to start to practice that. Thank you for sharing, Carolyn.

And thank you for being my guest on the I Need Blue podcast. Thank you. And have a beautiful day. This is Jen Lee, host of the I Need Blue podcast. Thank you so much for listening today. To learn anything and everything about I Need Blue, visit my website, www. ineedblue. net.  As always, remember, you are stronger than you think.

Until next time.