I Need Blue
I turned around to see a masked man pointing a gun at me. It was just the beginning of a series of events, including robbery and abduction, which changed my life forever. I Need Blue, hosted by Jen Lee, is a podcast series featuring lived-experiences from survivors of life events. I NEED BLUE creates space for survivors of trauma to feel they BELONG, are LOVED, UNDERSTOOD and EMPOWERED! I called 9-1-1 and they provided me with life-saving directions to help my customer who was having a medical emergency. Law enforcement rescued us and caught the robber. Our first-responders face unique traumas every day. I NEED BLUE provides space for them too!
I Need Blue
Hayley: Lincoln’s Legacy, 8 Days of Love, Loss, and a Mother’s Strength
In this episode, Hayley shares the raw emotions of her pregnancy, recounting moments of boundless anticipation shattered by unforeseen complications. Her journey crescendos with a supportive delivery, followed by the fleeting joy of bringing her son, Lincoln, home. Yet, the bliss of those first days is cruelly interrupted by sudden medical emergencies, casting a shadow over what should have been a time of pure happiness.
The anguish of losing Lincoln after just eight days is a soul-crushing blow that leaves an indelible mark. Yet, out of this profound heartbreak, Hayley rises with extraordinary strength, transforming her pain into a powerful mission to honor Lincoln’s memory. She channels her grief into organizing pediatric unit drives and bravely advocates for open conversations about loss. Hayley’s story is a testament to the human spirit, inspiring others to find light and purpose in the darkest of times.
Guests love hearing how their story impacted you! 🎧 Leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and mention their name!
Connect with Hayley:
Email:
Lovefromlincoln22@gmail.com
Instagram:
@lovefrom.lincoln
Connect with Jen:
Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/ineedbluepodcast/
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCp1q8SfA_hEXRJ4EaizlW8Q
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61567221068683
Website:
https://ineedblue.net/
Apple Podcasts:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/i-need-blue/id1567450935
Loved this episode? Leave a review and rating on Spotify or Apple Podasts.
Purchase my book or Audiobook: Why I Survived: How Sharing My Story Helped Me Heal from Dating Abuse, Armed Robbery, Abduction, and Other Forms of Trauma by Jennifer Lee
https://whyisurvived.com/
The background music is written, performed and produced exclusively by Char Good.
https://chargood.com/home
Everyone has a story. They just don't always have a place to share it. Welcome to I Need Blue, the podcast about to take you on an extraordinary journey where profound narratives come to life, one captivating episode at a time. I'm your host, jennifer Lee, and I founded this podcast because I know there is healing and sharing. Each story you will hear shared on this podcast is a testament to our collective strength, innate ability to transform in the incredible power of healing. Please remember you are never alone. Please visit and share my website with those seeking connection and inspiration wwwineedbluenet. Thank you, char Good, for composing and performing the introduction medley for I Need Blue. You can find information about Char on her website, wwwchargoodcom.
Speaker 1:Before starting today's episode, I must provide a trigger warning. I Need Blue features graphic themes, including, but not limited to, violence, abuse and murder, and may not be suitable for all listeners. Please take care of yourself and don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it. Now let's get started with today's story. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It is a time to honor and remember the lives of babies who were lost too soon and to stand in solidarity with the one in four families whose hearts are forever changed by the devastating loss of a child during pregnancy, at birth or in infancy. On October 15th, we observe Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a day to promote greater awareness, offer support and ensure that no one grieves in silence. Today, I have the privilege of being joined by someone courageous. Thanks to Jessica from the Indian River Healthy Start Coalition, I was connected to Haley, a mother who, though shattered by unimaginable loss, has found a voice to help others navigate the darkness she has walked through herself. It's a darkness that can reappear at a moment's notice. Haley's story is one of heartbreak and strength. She and I met over coffee and as she shared the details of her journey, I couldn't help but feel the weight of her words.
Speaker 1:In 2022, haley had a picture-perfect pregnancy. She delivered a healthy baby boy, lincoln, and, after leaving the hospital, took him to his first pediatrician visit. He had lost a little weight and there were a few signs that something wasn't quite right, but after a thorough checkup, haley was reassured by the doctors, leaving the office thinking everything would be fine. But it wasn't fine. Within days, the symptoms worsened and Haley rushed Lincoln to the hospital. The terror of those moments still linger in her voice as she recounts the unimaginable heartbreak of leaving that hospital with an empty car seat.
Speaker 1:The pain of losing a child is beyond words. But what I want you to hear today is not just the sorrow in Haley's story, but the profound courage that radiates from her. Amidst the devastation, tears and the overwhelming grief, haley found strength in her family, her friends and her unbreakable love for Lincoln. In the wake of her loss, haley has found purpose. She turned her grief into action. Purpose. She turned her grief into action, helping other parents who walk the same painful path. She is a beacon of light for those lost in the darkness, offering support and hope to others amid their pain. I'm beyond honored to have you here, haley. Thank you for trusting me with your story and giving so much of yourself to help others. Welcome to the I Need Blue podcast.
Speaker 2:Hey, thank you. I'm very happy to be here today. I am very thankful that you do what you do so the people like us can share our stories, because there's definitely a lot to be talked about and a lot of different situations.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. And even though my podcast started with me sharing my story, my podcast would not live if it was not for courageous individuals like you, you know, wanted to share their story, be a part of the community, let others know they're not alone. My gratitude goes to you. Thank you, as a mom myself. We wanted to start out talking about pregnancy because that is so exciting. Tell me about your experience.
Speaker 2:Lincoln's dad knew that I was pregnant way before I knew and we had bickered back and forth. He's like you're pregnant, I know you are. Your skin looks great, you know, I know you are Go get a test. So we had done that for about two weeks and then I took my pregnancy test and I texted him and I said you better sit down. And he was like, let me guess you're pregnant. And from that moment I didn't know how far along I was. I didn't know any of that stuff. I felt that instant connection, that instant bond. It's like okay, all right, this is really really scary and I have no clue what I'm going to do. But this is also really really exciting and I also still have no clue what I'm going to do, but we're going to get through it.
Speaker 2:The beginning of my pregnancy was a little bit of a rough time for me. I was on some medications that I had to come off of. That was a little bit difficult, but other than that, my pregnancy was normal. Every time I went to the doctor was normal. Every time I went to the doctor they said his heartbeat was great, everything looked good, nsts were great, and the only thing I can think of that was abnormal per se during my pregnancy was gestational diabetes, and I had gotten COVID around 20 weeks, but I just had to. Towards the end of my pregnancy I just had to come in a little bit more frequently than I would have, which was no issues. Again, the dog, you know it was for non-stress tasks. The doctor said you know, his heartbeat sounds great, it's beautiful, love it, perfect, good to go.
Speaker 2:And then you know I remember doing ultrasounds and that was like my all-time favorite, seeing that little body roll around. And I was eight weeks the first ultrasound that I got and he looked like this little gummy bear, that's what we called. Him Looked like a little gummy bear in there. I actually opted to do the genetic testing because I could not wait till 20 weeks to find out if I was having a boy or a girl. Obviously I wanted to make sure all the other risks were taken care of too. But as soon as I found out he was a boy, that I don't know, that whole bond, it just it changed. It was different. I felt that when I first realized I was pregnant, but when I found out he was a boy, it just solidified the connection, I guess.
Speaker 1:I'm a boy mom too, so I get it. Yeah, right now everything is normal, so I had Lincoln December 8th 2022.
Speaker 2:I had him. I delivered him at Cleveland Clinic, indian River up in Vero. My delivery is pretty normal. I mean I had the epidural. Delivery is pretty normal. I mean I had the epidural, had the normal laboring process as normal as you can say those are. But one thing that did happen when he was born. I mean our family is in the room my mom's here, his dad's there, his other grandma's there. So many people are in the room too, other people, the whole team in the room.
Speaker 2:It was a good experience at the hospital the entire time until we found out that it wasn't later on, when I had Lincoln, though kind of like got stuck a little bit, but then when I started to push and when he came out, there was a lot of meconium everywhere. For people who aren't moms, that's like the first poop that babies have and it's very, very toxic for them. So there was a lot of that present during birth. It was all over him, it was all over me, it was all over the midwife. His dad's mom saw and mentioned it and one of the nurses had said something back to her about it, but nothing. I mean they suctioned him with the little boogie suction no deep suction or anything that we noticed. They kind of had to flip him on his belly and rub his back a little bit at first and that was kind of scary, but he cried immediately. After they did that, they put him on my belly. We did skin to skin all of that awesomeness.
Speaker 2:And then they took him, they weighed him. He was eight pounds one ounce and 21 inches long. He was big. I will tell you that much he was big. My mom was taking pictures. They were doing his footprints, and when they were done with that I got to hold him again and I just got to relax a little bit.
Speaker 2:I knew I wasn't going to fall asleep anytime soon, but I was tired. That's a big process and I wasn't entirely prepared for it, as I thought that I was. But while we were at the hospital we started to notice his breathing. He was breathing very fast. But we had asked a couple of the doctors and the lactation consultants, you know, hey, we noticed this with his breathing. Is that normal? So they've been living inside of this sack for so long. Now they're out in the world, so they're trying to learn how they're supposed to adapt to that. So okay, and then they told us that we could have gone home after one day, but I was actually struggling to breastfeed. So they said we could stay another day and I opted to do that because I wanted all the support that I could get. I was that was like that. Breastfeeding was a difficult thing for me. I struggled to get him to latch.
Speaker 1:Well, even one day it's not a lot of time.
Speaker 2:No, and it's like that's my first baby. My family was here, I had all the support, but like I was still really freaked out here.
Speaker 1:I had all the support, but I was still really freaked out. Well, and I love that you self-advocated for yourself to say no, I really would like to continue my stay.
Speaker 2:Right, right, yeah. No, I need these resources. I need the help. I'm here. Why not take advantage of it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so after the two days everything clears and you head home.
Speaker 2:Actually it's one of my favorite memories when we left the hospital his dad was driving and I sat in the back and I just like I had my head over the side of his car seat and Tennessee Whiskey by Chris Stapleton came on. Both me and his dad sang that song to him. We were turning right from 37th Street onto Indian River Drive to get to US 1. And we both that whole ride down to US 1, we were just singing to him. I don't know that's one of my favorite memories, but two days in the hospital we get to go home. It was a Saturday. His older sister comes over. She met him in the hospital, but she came over the day he came home. My mom and dad were here. His dad's family came over.
Speaker 2:Our whole entire lives had changed in such a short period of time period of time. It was a really surreal feeling to like be at my house with a baby. I mean, I had had all this stuff up for like a month, but it was still. Even seeing it every day. Coming home with him, it was still like, oh my God, this is real. But we had a dog and a cat at the time and both of them loved my belly when I was pregnant, so both of them loved the baby immediately. You know I could. My cat is, I have. He's a fat orange cat. His name's Butters. I could not keep him out of the bassinet with Lincoln. It was so hard. I would shoo him away and then I'd wake up and he'd be like not close to him, not dangerous or anything, but I'm like come on, you can't lay there. And Daisy, our dog, she always had her head on my belly. So if we had him laying on the couch she would go and she'd put her head right up on the couch and just look at him and make sure he was okay and then she would go lay down right next to where he was. Or we had one of the little swings and we'd put him in the swing and she'd go and she'd put her chin right on the swing and go back and forth with the swing and then, as long as he was okay, she would go lay down. The whole house took to him pretty quickly. It was awesome.
Speaker 2:We had our first pediatrician appointment two days after we came home. So we came home on a Saturday and our pediatrician appointment was on Monday and I was so proud of myself, because I got that appointment on Friday and I thought I was going to be scrambling and wasn't going to be able to leave the hospital on Saturday because I didn't have the appointment and we had brought him to the pediatrician and one thing that we had noticed in that time was Lincoln was very sleepy and it was kind of hard to wake him up, to get him to eat. You know, we kind of had to tickle him a little bit, get him to wake up and stimulate him to eat. You know, we mentioned that to the doctor. I mean, they weighed him, they did all of his vitals and that stuff and he did lose a little bit more weight than they were hoping for. So they had asked us to increase the feedings. After they told us that, they told us they had also seen some blue discoloration around his lips which can mean there isn't enough oxygen flowing through the body and that's called cyanotic attacks of the newborn. He was diagnosed with that on his first pediatrician visit. But we did bring him back the following day for a weight check and he had put like two and a half ounces back on. So they were happy with that but didn't see the discoloration, so it was dismissed. Okay, we don't see it, so it must be gone, which it wasn't.
Speaker 2:So that was Tuesday and Lincoln's dad had gone back to work. Because my family was here. My mom would help, she would take him for a little bit so I could take a nap. She could have kept him the whole entire time. It was really helpful to have them there.
Speaker 2:We had a normal next few days, I mean, I guess as normal as we thought. But I noticed on Friday that he was really kind of cranky and didn't want to move, didn't want to eat, just cranky. And the only time he was settled was if he was being held. I'm like, okay, you know. And then I started to listen to him and I'm like, okay, you know, his breathing sounds kind of off, you know. And that's also something we asked at the pediatrician office and we got kind of the same answer. You know, like this stuff is all normal, because birth is also traumatic for the babies. You know, they have to learn and adapt and figure out how their little bodies are going to work on their own. Their doctors, their experts, like, were taught to listen to them. So we did and we thought everything was normal.
Speaker 2:But then that Friday morning when I heard his breathing was a little bit weird. His dad was at work, so I brought him out of my room and had my mom hold him and listen to him and she's like, yeah, you know what he does sound kind of congested, and I'm like I feel like I should probably take him somewhere. I'm like Googling pediatric urgent cares. One of my neighbors is a retired nurse, so my mom was like you know, I'm going to go take him across the street and see what she has to say. My neighbor agreed on the same thing. She was like you know, I think you can definitely hear a little bit of congestion in there or a little wheezing. So I think it's definitely a good idea to get him in somewhere. And I want to say it was like 1.30 at that point in the afternoon.
Speaker 2:His dad came home from work and I'm like, look, we got to take the baby somewhere. He's not feeling well, I don't know what's wrong. And another thing that I had noticed on him was when I changed his diaper he had and I thought it was a rash. I had no clue, I've never seen anything like it before, but it was like this blue discoloration. It's called modeling, but it's typically a thing that happens with older people and that's just like I guess, blood clots forming, which I had no clue.
Speaker 2:Called the pediatrician, I told him what I was seeing. I was like, can I get in? Do you guys have an appointment? And again, that was Friday. The pediatrician told me that they couldn't get me in until Tuesday. So that Friday yeah, that Friday he was eight days old.
Speaker 2:So I'm like trying to Google pediatric urgent cares and I got so frustrated because I couldn't find anything. I'm like you know what? We're going to Longwood. We're five minutes down the road. We're going to Longwood. We get in the car to go to Longwood and I'm again sitting in the back with him and I'm looking at him and we're driving and I can see the color just draining out of his face. I could see that his lips were getting blue. But I also was like, okay, am I freaking myself out? Am I seeing these things? Is this really happening? Because I know if this is what's actually happening, then this is bad. But we got to the Longwood emergency room parking lot, we got him out of the car and I looked at him again and his eyes started to roll to the back of his head and he was starting to feel limp. I looked at his nail beds and they were all blue, starting to feel limp.
Speaker 2:I looked at his nail beds and they were all blue. Mouth was blue, he was pale, his nail beds were blue and I looked at his dad and I was like this isn't good. Like his nail beds are blue, he's not getting oxygen, you know, like this isn't good and I don't think his dad, really his dad, didn't really understand like the severity of it until we got in there. We stopped at the triage desk and you know, I gave them a rundown of what had happened and I'm like, you know, I really like I think he looks really pale and I think that something is weird. But this is my first baby, I don't know, you know, and the one of the nurses looked at him and she was like you're right, he is kind of pale.
Speaker 2:So they took him out of the car seat, they went to like do his little vitals and he did not respond to his temperature being checked rectally and in that moment that nurse was like nope, this is a sick baby. Like we got to go. She didn't even hand him back to us. She took him and we followed her back to the pediatric ICU and they have Lincoln on a little bed and they're trying to get anything out of him and they're struggling. So they call the trauma team and I'm losing it. I'm absolutely losing it because they're bringing people in and out. They're taking the families that were in that emergency room with us out of that room.
Speaker 2:The trauma team is flying in and I'm beside myself and Lincoln's dad is like, is that for us? I'm like, yes, you know, like this isn't good, but it takes in those situations it takes people time to figure out really what's happening. It's another surreal moment, just in a completely different way. So the trauma team came, they cut off his clothes not sure what it's called, but they inserted a device into his heel and that helps them get fluids to the baby faster. So they did that and they still weren't having the results that they were looking for and we got taken to the pediatric emergency operating room. I want to say it was operating room and they have him in. You know the warmers and his vitals are all over the place and you know this. This, just this, happened so fast I can't even begin, you know and it's like holy crap, like what is happening.
Speaker 1:And you're witnessing all of this. So they didn't say please go to the waiting room.
Speaker 2:Like you were right there. We were there the entire time. There was Marissa at Lonwood. She is the director of their pediatric department. She was in that operating room with us and she kept us updated on everything that they were doing. So once we got into that room they told us that Lincoln was having a hard time breathing on his own and that he needed to be intubated. So they intubated him and at that point they had gotten lab results back. So they're like okay, like this baby is sick, we need to take some measures here. So he was intubated.
Speaker 2:Me and his dad will never forget, when he was intubated, the amount of blood that came out of his nose. It was just like it's all of. It was the worst possible sight. But after they intubated him, they put a central line in. The entire time we were there they had to have somebody hold that central line against his neck so he didn't bleed out. Basically, so we're being kept up to date.
Speaker 2:Marissa's checking in with us and then the doctor comes over to us and is like I don't think your baby's going to make it. And I'm like what? I knew this was bad, but what. Like, I knew this was bad, but what? So I had to step out of the room. I called my family.
Speaker 2:The amount of guilt I felt stepping out of that room for those two minutes was awful, and I already felt so helpless. Not being able to do anything and having to watch all these people take care of my baby, I feel like I don't know. It starts to make you question the things that you've done. Did I do something wrong in the last week that could have caused this? Trying to replay all of this stuff while I'm watching this room filled with people taking turns, doing whatever they can to get Lincoln stable and then we ended up being admitted to the PICU.
Speaker 2:Hats off to them. They are some incredible people. One of the nurses, kim. She worked on Lincoln, I would say the most. She was incredible. She supported me, she took care of Lincoln. The team was just remarkable. We had the worst possible result, but their team was incredible didn't want that to exasperate him, so they had sedated him. He was having blood transfusions, he was getting all kinds. He was hooked up to all kinds of machines, getting all types of medicine, trying to get his heart going quicker, you know, to get him out of crazy antibiotics, because at that point he was septic.
Speaker 2:Sorry, I'm just gonna catch up for a second take what take, whatever you need yeah, he's hooked up to all of these machines and we're just watching all of this stuff happen. Our families are in the waiting room. You know, his dad went out and talked to our families. I stayed in the room as long as I could. I did end up going out and talking to my family, but again, like that, I just had like this guilt. Like his dad was in there but I still felt like I was leaving him alone. It was just like something deep inside of me. I don't know. I knew he was in there with his dad, but I just, you know, I knew this awful thing was going on and that I was taking a step away from it for a second. It made me feel very guilty.
Speaker 2:But after I had came back from talking with our families, they were, you know, telling us a little bit about what was going on. His vitals were very poor and this infection is taking over his whole body. At this point his lungs were starting to fill up with blood, to fill up with blood, and the doctor that we had was excellent, you know, he was very kept us informed as well. Yeah, but then he contacted Nicklaus Hospital in Miami. At first they thought that it could have been a metabolic issue. There's a disorder with enzymes in your metabolism that if you're not born with the proper enzymes you can't break down food. So the more you eat or the more you feed, the sicker they get. So at first that's what they thought the issue was. So they called Nicklaus the doctor in Miami. They had a helicopter waiting for us. They originally said that they would let his dad fly with him because he was light enough, but then they came back to us and said if he's stable enough to go like he's going, you guys aren't going with him, he'll have a companion. And our minds were like, no, like, no, like you're telling us how sick our baby is and that we have to get his vitals stable. Now what happens when he gets on the helicopter? You know he's not with us and then we're on a three and a half hour drive down to Miami. No, no way. But by that point unfortunately it was a little bit too late. You know his vitals weren't where they were supposed to be. There were some points where he would, you know, he would fight and things would look a little bit normal, like there was a point where the doctor came into us and was like, you know, I think he might have a chance. So then we're like okay, that added the up and down of the situation as well. Any little bit of hope that you can hear in those moments sucks that. You got to get knocked down quite a bit.
Speaker 2:But Lincoln was in the little the cradle and you know, things were just, I don't know, declining, seemed like they were okay declining, and so it was. It was an up and down thing. He was, he was fighting, that's for sure. But at one point I can't remember at what point it was, but they asked me if I wanted to hold Lincoln. And when they asked me that, I knew that that was going to be the last time I held my baby alive. That was going to be the last time I held my baby alive. He was attached to all of these machines, all of these wires, and they pulled a rocking chair over to the side of the bassinet crib, whatever they're called, and they picked him up and they handed him to me. And I mean I know he was sedated, but he was just like limp, you know, and all I could do is cry over him and tell him how much I love him and he's so loved and, no matter what, everything's going to be okay. You know we're gonna get through this, even though something in me like knew that we weren't you.
Speaker 2:As I was holding Lincoln in that rocking chair, his vitals started to sorry, his vitals started to like plummet and they ended up calling their first code blue on him and they took him out of my hands and threw the CPR board underneath him when they had asked us if we wanted to stay in the room for it or not. Some parents, some people choose not to, because it's a very, very traumatic situation. Originally we had thought we didn't want to be in there for it, but then both of us me and his dad were like, absolutely not like he, we. He needs us there. Like you know, we're his parents. We need to be there. And then, once it all happened, it was like there was no, we wouldn't have had it any other way, like we wouldn't. There's no way. But watching all of that happen, that whole code blue, it felt like there was 50 people in that room At the code teams, the whole hospital responds, there's certain roles for the codes and everybody that has a role in it is called and they show up and as chaotic as a situation like that is.
Speaker 2:Their movements were so calculated and they knew what they were doing. This person was here and this person was here and okay, I need to switch out. It was awful to watch, but the way that they handled themselves and they tried, they worked so hard. After that first code they were able to resuscitate him. So now we're still doing blood transfusions, we're still getting antibiotics, we're still vented, but now at this point his lungs are getting too filled with blood and he's not able to exchange his CO2. We're basically waiting for him to drown in his own blood in his own blood.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry to be graphic about that, but that was what I felt like when I was in there, and watching them suction his lungs was I can't even believe that amount of fluid could come out of a small human, you know. So they had to do. I don't know they came in to do like an x-ray or some kind of scan. I don't know if it was like a CT scan or an x-ray. When they came in to do that, that ended up being another code. When they came in to do that, that ended up being another code. So we had two code.
Speaker 2:Blues called on Lincoln. Everybody came back and you know, everybody was doing their, doing what they needed to do. Again, chaos is just like ensuing around us, the most organized chaos ever. It was the worst possible thing to watch, feeling helpless and, you know, like a little hopeless, you know, knowing that you're like you're watching your baby pass away, you know. So you know we're watching his vitals plummet and they're doing CPR and they're, you know, they're doing everything. And it had been.
Speaker 2:They had been trying to resuscitate him for probably about 20 minutes at that point and the doctor came to us and was like, look, like what do you, what do you want to do? And we're like, what do you mean? What do you want us to do? Like, save our baby, that's what we want you to do, you know. And he's like, okay, we'll keep going, we'll keep going. And shortly after that they came in and they checked. You know he listened, the doctor listened to his heart and he came over to us and he was like, again, we can do this all night if you want us to, but his heart is no longer pumping blood through his body, his heart is only beating electrically. So essentially, we were already there. Essentially we were already there. So me and his dad stood over that bassinet and we held him as close as we could and we talked to him and we just watched him pass away. And you know, like you like I don't know, it's like you just like feel that little soul, you know. And Lonwood, again, was amazing, so supportive, you know anything you need they brought us into a different room and then they had cleaned Lincoln up a little bit and they brought him in to us.
Speaker 2:They did allow our families to come in a couple at a time while they were working on him. Everybody was a little bit prepared, you know, everybody kind of saw everything at the worst, but I still don't think you can be prepared for that, you know. So they had brought us into a separate room. It was an empty room and then they brought Lincoln into us in the little bassinet you know that you get after you deliver the baby and they had him wrapped up, they had a hat on him. The little bassinet you know that you get after you deliver the baby. And they had him wrapped up, they had a hat on him and I held him first and I will never forget feeling his skin get colder and colder and feel like a different texture, like as we were in there, you know, like it just it. I guess that process happens. It happens much faster than I realized it did. So I'm holding him, his dad held him, and I don't think any of our family members actually did hold him. My mom might have, but I'm not At that point.
Speaker 2:I was gone, like just lost every sense of purpose that I had, you know, and, um, it was a Friday, so I mean we sat in that room, um, lincoln passed away around 8, 50 pm. We were in that room probably until midnight, you know, and they had no issues with that whatsoever. They take as much time as you need. We're here to support you. You tell us, and we got you pretty much. And so our families come in and then our families leave, and then we have a little bit more like alone time with him, and I don't know, it was probably like midnight and I didn't want to leave, but you know it was late, it had been a really awful night, obviously.
Speaker 2:So we decided to head home and all I could think about was leaving him by himself and like, there was another nurse there His name was Alex and he came, actually came in early on his shift to help us and he was told us that he would make sure that Lincoln wasn't alone and that like was. I don't think somebody could have said a better thing in those moments. And Lincoln's dad went to go get the nurse because we were ready to go. My body would not let me leave that room until there was somebody else in there. The amount of times I kissed that kid in those moments. And you know we're leaving, we have an empty car seat and all. I'm a very spiritual person, so I fully understand that your body is a vessel, your soul is a different entity than your body, basically. But in that situation that body is still my baby, soul or not, that's my baby and he's going to be alone in a freezer. And that just put me through the roof, I mean, as if I wasn't already. I'm like in the sky now at this point, you know. And coming home the dog was at the door waiting for us. We don't have a baby.
Speaker 2:So the following day Lincoln's sister came over and we had to tell her and that was rough. She came in and the house obviously felt, you know, that it was way off. The vibe in the house was just sad. Paisley looked at Bea, she looked at her dad and she said where's Lincoln? And her and and their dad, you know, said Lincoln passed away and immediately she just lost it. She fell into my arms and we just like held each other and we cried and we cried and we cried and we cried. That was a really awful part of it all too, because then it's like no, I can't control my grief in these moments, but I also have to be strong for my bonus baby as well, you know, because she's a kid. Kids don't necessarily know how to process these kinds of emotions. So that was a struggle for me as well, trying to keep my composure when all I wanted to do was lay in bed. And you know, one of my best friends, jill. I called her and I told her what happened and she was on the first plane down here.
Speaker 2:I want to say that was Sunday night. It was Saturday or Sunday night very shortly after we're going to Orlando to pick her up at the airport and I get a call from my sister and my sister is like hey, don't be startled, but DCF is getting involved. And my heart sunk Again, feeling like I did something wrong. You know like why are they involved? And my sister has been in the field for a very long time and has a lot of experience in situations like this, and it's everybody has a job to do. They have to investigate things. I understand that I'm also in the field. You know like I get that, but that's not what I want to deal with.
Speaker 2:After my sister calls me to tell me that DCF came to the house and is involved, I get a call from DCF and she's like I need to touch base with you tonight. And I'm like well, I mean it's nine o'clock at night. I am in Orlando picking a friend up at the airport. She's coming down to support me. I'm not going to be back until like 11. I will gladly meet with you at 11 pm, but I mean if there's any possible way we could push it off, I would really appreciate that. And she was like you know what, let me call my supervisor and see, because things I have to ask you. It's a lengthy process. I wouldn't want to put you through that really like that late at night. So she gets the approval from her supervisor, she calls me back and she's like okay, we can meet tomorrow. She tells me that she will be coming with her partner and that there will be two police officers coming with her.
Speaker 2:I'm just instant panic. I believe and I know to my core that I didn't do anything wrong, but just that, just that presence made me feel that way. It was very hard to not be defensive in any way. They weren't coming off in any sort of way, but I was struggling to remember all of these events and I was feeling pressured and it was very hard for me to keep myself in check. I know I didn't do anything wrong. Why are you here? It is a protocol Any death of a child that happens within 24 hours at the hospital automatically gets investigated. That is a protocol. It wasn't like oh, the hospital didn't call and they were like oh, we think X, y and Z, it's just run of the mill what they have to do.
Speaker 2:It's the following morning and she comes to the house. She tells me okay, I'm just going to be me and my partner and I'm going to be sitting outside of your house, but I have to wait for the police officers to get here before I can come into your house, which is also standard protocol. That's for the DCF worker safety. It also gives a better idea of whether there is any type of abuse going on in the house. Dcf is obviously trained to pick up on that, and so is law enforcement.
Speaker 2:They had a female officer and a male officer and about 10 minutes into the interview, one of the police officers left and the other one kind of stood away from the table Like there was no you know no threat or anything. So they're asking us you know who was in primary care of the baby, what we did, and then we have to do a from when he was born to the minute he passed away. I'm getting that whole spiel started and the girl's phone starts ringing and she was like I'm sorry, it's my supervisor, and she just ignored it. Supervisor calls again. She just ignored it. Supervisor calls a third time.
Speaker 2:So her partner took her phone and went outside. I'm starting to go over these details of like getting to the hospital. And then he came back inside and he said stop, stop the interview, everything has been screened out. So, and and screened out means that they don't feel the need for an investigation. Investigation, that situation was was taken care of. So now our house is filled with flowers, filled with food, filled with cards. You know everything that you can think of. You know everybody was so incredibly supportive and so there for us and I, I don't know that in itself is just big volumes, and I mean for you your body still is lactating.
Speaker 2:Yep, I'm still producing milk, my body is still there.
Speaker 2:I don't have a baby, but my body doesn't know that yet, I guess.
Speaker 2:So I had to take all these steps to try and dry out everything, but I still had to pump for like a week afterwards I want to say maybe a little bit shorter, but I had to pump for quite a while before I could get it to dry up. And that was awful. That was awful because that week that we had Lincoln, I would get up in the middle of the night and I would pump and his dad would change him and his dad would feed him. So then it's like I forgot I had all these alarms on my phone to get up and pump. So hearing these alarms going off in the middle of the night and I'm like I got to get up and pump but I don't have a baby to feed and still having your body have to heal from having a baby and not having the baby is awful. I remember looking at myself in the mirror for the first time after everything happened and I don't even think I saw myself. It was like just like this shell of a hollow being.
Speaker 1:You felt like you just lost all of you.
Speaker 2:I did, I did. Everybody says those cliches. You'll just know when you have your own baby. It's this, it's that. All of those things that we typically think are cliche, I've learned have always found to be true. I've never felt a connection like that. I have never felt a love like that. I have never felt a love like that. I have never felt a love reciprocated like that. That's one thing that I do have to be grateful for, because he showed me a completely different side of myself than I ever knew and to this day, is still continuing to show me, a side of myself that I never knew, that was in there, that I was capable of having.
Speaker 2:So we go from planning this life to planning a funeral and we went to the funeral home. We spoke with the funeral director and they had actually told us about Madison's Miracles and they assist in funeral costs and you know they do cuddle cots. You know that was a huge help for us. So they absorb a lot of the cost for the funeral and we had to pick out urns and they're like, okay, well, here's these magazines and find the right one. What is the right one? How do you pick an urn for your eight-day-old baby? So we found a display. It's a hand-blown glass flame and they blow the ashes into the flame. So we opted to do that, but that took some time. We wanted it for the memorial service, but that took some time to make. So we ended up also getting like a little bronze heart and that's what we put at his memorial service, with a lot of flowers. You know, we had like a little slideshow and both of our moms and our sisters got up and spoke, spoke. It was also really difficult for us to find somebody to facilitate the ceremony, because I'm a little bit more spiritual. However, my family is Catholic and Lincoln's dad's family is Jewish, so we wanted to try to find somebody that could encompass all of that which the funeral home was able to get us somebody that did, and he was great. It was a beautiful service, but that process deepened the sting, because we have to pick this out, we have to pick that out, we have to pick a room. Are we going to cremate him? Are we going to bury him? We chose to cremate him. I know that death is permanent, but I feel like burying him is even more permanent. I'm not from Florida, I'm from Massachusetts, so all I could think of is if I or we want to move to Massachusetts and we're gonna have to come back to Florida to see our baby. No, like he's gonna be with us. And that's why we decided to do that.
Speaker 2:We had an autopsy done and it took a little while for Lincoln to get to the funeral home and when he did get there, they called us and we came and we got to hold him again and be in the same room as him and you know, talk to him and I held him for as long as I could. He was so heavy and he was so cold and one of the things that the funeral director had said to us was like you know, because you guys chose to do the autopsy, like be careful moving, like don't move, like quickly or whatever, because, like there could be something that leaks and it's like hearing that is, it's yucky, you know, it doesn't, it doesn't feel right. But I held him for quite a while. His dad held him and then I continued to hold him. I don't I like to this day I think if I could go back to that room I would have never let him go. You know, that situation was a little tough for his dad. So he was like you know, like I need to, I need to step out, like I can't do this anymore, and I felt like I needed him to be there also. So if he wasn't gonna be in there, like I didn't think I could. So I gave Lincoln back and I don't know, I wanted to spend more time with him. I don't know if I felt like that got taken away from me or the rage of feelings in those moments and throughout.
Speaker 2:This whole thing is like grief is not linear in any sense of the word, in any part of the process, in any part of the grieving journey. It's never linear. All kinds of feelings, all the time, directed at people that you don't even mean to direct things at. We ended up having this beautiful memorial service. So many people ended up coming to be there for Lincoln and to be there for us. They had to start putting chairs in the hallways. It was all beautiful. Everything that everybody said was beautiful.
Speaker 2:As far as services go, I think that that was the best we could have asked for. I really feel like the whole thing I don't want to say did it justice, because I don't think anything ever will, but from everybody that we worked with. We are so fortunate for the group that we got the funeral director, gave me her personal number and she was like, even after all of this is all over, if you need anybody you can always call me. I will never, ever, ever, ever forget her. I wouldn't forget her anyways because of the event. But one of the things that she told me when I was so upset was grief is just all your love, with no place to go, and that has stuck with me ever since, and that is now something that I say If you compare your grief to love, you're never going to stop loving somebody. You're never going to get over that, especially your child.
Speaker 1:That's never going to go away, something that we learn to live with, I guess. Well and I feel like putting it that way, takes away the dark cloud and lets the sunshine through.
Speaker 2:Right, so I'm going to call my nonprofit when I'm able to get it up and running, love from Lincoln that thing that she said to me kind of stems from that a little bit also. Everybody needs a little extra love, and why not have it be from sweet little boy you know?
Speaker 1:Yeah, how are you now? How is your family?
Speaker 2:So we were all a mess Even prior to everything. Even prior to me being pregnant with, Lincoln spent a very rough few years for our family. My dad, in 2021, was in an accident. He fell 15 feet from a tree stand and was paralyzed from the waist down. So we had that going on. We had his healing process and whatnot. But he is thriving years and this man has accomplished so much. He can drive with his hand controls, he's been hunting, he's been golfing, he's came down to Florida because my parents snowbird and he accomplished all of these goals. The first four goals that he set he accomplished in less than two years.
Speaker 2:I attribute a lot of the strength that I have getting through this to watching my dad go through what he went through. I lost a part of myself, and as did he. If he can figure out how to make it work, then I can do that too. Growing up, my dad always told us you learn from it, you adapt and you move on. And I mean in my situation, I'm not going to be moving on, but I'm learning and I'm changing the way that I have to go about my daily life.
Speaker 2:Throughout the last two years. We have our days. We have our days. We have our days, but I try very hard to reframe my thoughts because if I don't, I think that I would end up staying in bed all day. And I'm still a mom. Regardless if my son is here physically or not, I still believe that I need to do all of the things that I needed to show him to do. Anyways, if my baby was here physically and I'm sitting in bed not doing anything, that's not going to do anything for my baby. So I feel the same exact way even though he's not here physically.
Speaker 2:I know that he's with me all the time, all day long. My fan light turns on by itself, often even when my switch is off. So I know that he's with me all the time and I've had to reframe a lot of my thinking that way and I just have tried to put all of my energy into making sure his legacy lives on. I have bad days, I have bad weeks, I've had bad months, but I've gotten through them. My support system is my family is incredible.
Speaker 2:Within the past year it was hard for me and Lincoln's dad to kind of come to a compromise on how we wanted to do some spiritual stuff. I really enjoy Reiki and I started doing Reiki. I started doing a Reiki circle after everything happened with Lincoln and that opened up a completely different side of healing for me. So that was something that I wanted to explore and that wasn't really something that his dad wanted to explore. So that was kind of tough. It was difficult for us to be there for each other. Honestly, I don't think I was able to be there for him the way that he needed me to be there for him and he was not able to be there for me the way that I needed him to be. And then you know, nine months after everything happened with Lincoln, his dad made some poor choices and ended up in prison, unfortunately and I was not able to I have not really been able to be in contact with his daughter as much as I would like, which I can understand from her other side of the family's perspective. However, in that moment, I had just lost my entire family in the matter of nine months, so we have a lot of different kinds of loss happening all in a short period of time.
Speaker 2:I think my anger of having to be alone and be in survival mode made me realize that I need to make sure that everybody knows about Lincoln. That's what I need to put my energy into. I was trying to think of like little things to do for awareness, you know, because, again, people don't talk about it. You know, and even in the support groups that I was in online, like people were still hesitant to share, and it's like, you know, we're in a group full of people that have been in the same situation and there's still people that are hesitant to share. So I think that this is something we need to talk about and we need to get other people to talk about. It's crazy the amount that this happens and how often it happens.
Speaker 2:That gave me a passion and I had no clue where to start, but I knew I wanted to do something. Probably about mid-October, beginning of November of last year, I decided that I wanted to do a holiday drive for Longwood because they did everything that they could do. Their team is incredible. They deserve to be recognized. I appreciate their support. I'm still in touch with them.
Speaker 2:So we ended up doing this drive and we received over $3,000 worth of donations last year to bring to the pediatric unit whether it was gifts for the kids that were in the hospital on throughout their holidays or if they needed stuff for the units or whatever you know. Whatever they, we just wanted to give back to them. So that was really like my first thing that I thought of to you know, to do this like in honor of Lincoln. So I started trying to think of other ways to give back to make sure Lincoln has touched, impacted people, and a friend of mine, sanchia she's from Jamaica and she was telling me that when you have a baby in Jamaica, you don't get anything to go home with. Here we get formula diapers, blankets, a onesie, an outfit. They give us all kinds of stuff to go home with here.
Speaker 2:So we decided to do another drive for diaper bags. We did diaper bags. We had outfits one outfit, a towel, a blanket, a hat, mittens, socks, a pacifier, bottle, diapers, wipes, a grooming kit, some other stuff that was in there, and we had put these little cards in there with Lincoln's name on them and the Instagram and whatnot. While we were down there organizing everything, we were able to give out two bags in person. First person that I gave a bag out to was a boy mom and I was able to, you know, talk to her about Lincoln and tell her why we're doing what we're doing. And I went through the bag with her and at the end I just I looked at her and she was smiling and she like wiped a tear away from her eye and she just told me how appreciative she was for it and that in itself was worth every ounce of effort that was put into that.
Speaker 2:I have had a mom that got one of the bags reach out to me and say thank you and we kind of go back and forth every once in a while and just check in. She had a beautiful baby girl. The diaper bag that she got really helped her. She had some adversities throughout the year and it was something that she really appreciated. She sent me a message. She sent me pictures of her baby. It was really nice to see that impact.
Speaker 2:The spirit of Lincoln lived on, and to me it's even cooler that we're in a different country, so many different people that we're trying to touch.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. What else would you like the audience to take away from your story?
Speaker 2:One of the most important things. If you have been through this or you know somebody that has been through this, talk about it If you're ready to talk about it, because there is catharsis and sharing and for me and my experience, it makes me feel so much better to say Lincoln's name, and I love when people ask me about Lincoln. You know I love talking about him. I will show you all the pictures in the world that I have of him, you know. Talk about it. Ask these people what their stories are, ask about their babies, because that's all we want. We want to talk about them. Just because they're not here doesn't mean that they don't matter. They are ours, they had a purpose, they matter and I think that getting people to realize that talking about that is okay, versus if you bring up my child, that it's going to make me sad.
Speaker 2:I think that it's important to be conscious of what you say. I know a lot of people come from places of love, but a lot of the things that I heard was there's a greater purpose for this, or God needed another angel, and those I mean those might be helpful for somebody else, but for me that wasn't helpful, you know, because there is no purpose for my baby passing away. God needed another angel, which, if you had to pick a child to give to God, which who would you pick? You wouldn't pick any of them. So there's some things that I think which, again, I know people come from a place of love, but I think, kind of being mindful of what you're saying and I think sometimes saying nothing at all is a better route, or like like hey, that does suck and I love you and I'm here no matter what, and that is more than enough.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, haley, thank you so much for sharing and thank you for being my guest on the I Need Blue podcast.
Speaker 2:Thank you, I appreciate you having me. It was really awesome. I feel really cool being able to share my story.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much. I've met Lincoln just through your stories and obviously you carry his spirit with you everywhere. So thank you for honoring me with that.
Speaker 2:Thank you Seriously. This is like a huge. This is. I mean, I was emotional going through it, but this it was really. It was really nice to be able to have this space with you and I really appreciate that.
Speaker 1:Jen Lee with the I Need Blue podcast. You can find anything everything about I Need Blue on my website, wwwineedbluenet. And remember you are stronger than you think. Until next time, thank you.
