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I Need Blue
I turned around to see a masked man pointing a gun at me. It was just the beginning of a series of events, including robbery and abduction, which changed my life forever. I Need Blue, hosted by Jen Lee, is a podcast series featuring lived-experiences from survivors of life events. I NEED BLUE creates space for survivors of trauma to feel they BELONG, are LOVED, UNDERSTOOD and EMPOWERED! I called 9-1-1 and they provided me with life-saving directions to help my customer who was having a medical emergency. Law enforcement rescued us and caught the robber. Our first-responders face unique traumas every day. I NEED BLUE provides space for them too!
I Need Blue
Nichole: When Daddy's Love Comes with Bruises
What happens when you finally name the trauma that’s shaped your life?
Nicole’s powerful story of surviving childhood physical abuse reveals the journey from silence to truth. For 40 years, she carried the weight of her father’s violence—hit at age five, chased in fear, and witnessing her mother being choked—all while believing it was “normal.”
Even 1,100 miles away, a simple phone call from him could trigger panic. Her desperate need for his approval shaped her life—until she realized the cycle was repeating with her own child. Through therapy, breathwork, and courage, Nicole began connecting the dots and setting boundaries.
When she finally spoke out, her father denied the abuse and cut contact. The grief was real—but so was the freedom.
Nicole’s story is a raw and inspiring reminder: healing begins when we speak the truth.
Listen to her full journey on the I Need Blue podcast—where survivors reclaim their voice and power. Subscribe and join our community today.
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Facebook: @NicholeMarieCollective
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Purchase my book or Audiobook: Why I Survived: How Sharing My Story Helped Me Heal from Dating Abuse, Armed Robbery, Abduction, and Other Forms of Trauma by Jennifer Lee
https://whyisurvived.com/
Imagine when you share your darkest hours they become someone else's light. I'm Jennifer Lee, a global community storyteller, host, author and survivor, guiding you through genuine, unfiltered conversations. Together, we break the silence, shatter stigma and amplify voices that need to be heard. Each episode stands as a testament to survival, healing and reclaiming your power. Listen to I Need Blue on Apple Podcasts, spotify, youtube or your favorite platform. Learn more at wwwineedbluenet. Trigger warning I Need Blue shares real life stories of trauma, violence and abuse meant to empower and support.
Speaker 1:Please take care of yourself and ask for help if needed. Now let's begin today's story. How Nicole and I met feels like one of those beautiful moments when the universe quietly lines up the dots Unexpected, yet meant to be, and somehow we both came out winning. I'm deeply grateful that our paths crossed, and even more so that Nicole found the courage and space to share her story. Like so many others, we carry the weight of painful secrets. Her voice stayed tucked away for much of her life, secrets wrapped in fear, family expectations and the shadow of heavy religious influence, abuse, manipulation the kind of trauma that silences. But something changed. Nicole reached a powerful crossroads. She asked herself at what point do I stop carrying this alone. Name it for what it is and speak out so someone else knows they're not alone. Her answer Today. Nicole, thank you for your bravery, thank you for saying yes and, most of all, thank you for being my guest today. Welcome to the I Need Blue podcast.
Speaker 2:Thank you as well, and thank you for being my friend too. It's been wonderful getting to know you just in this short period of time. Also, I want to just say thank you for doing this. I know your story and how this came about, and if you weren't following the path that you felt like you were called to be on and taking this risk, I wouldn't have the opportunity to be on this podcast with you Absolutely and thank you for your kind words.
Speaker 1:You know there is something about surrendering and following that calling, and that's exactly what I did, so thank you for acknowledging that. I appreciate it. Let's go ahead and get started. I have a question when did you realize your dad's actions and behaviors were not okay?
Speaker 2:That's so hard to pinpoint because, even though I knew that my childhood was hard, when you're in it you just think that everybody else's is the same. So growing up I knew that not everyone was afraid of their dad. I was afraid, Like I was internally afraid of him. I guess I just thought, well, this is just the way dads are. You know, if you don't behave like, you get beat. And it wasn't until I got a little bit older that I started questioning how much is too much. I truthfully did not think that I had been through trauma. I just I didn't.
Speaker 2:And until I started exploring the source of my anxiety and the source of my depression and things that I thought were completely unrelated to it. I was having so many other issues in my life that I thought the anxiety and the depression were about other things, and over seven years of time it has taken me that long to uncover that the real reason for so many of my problems with confidence and everything was that there was this fear of my dad and I live 1100 miles away from him now. Every time his picture came up on my phone, I would get this like my armpits would start sweating from a phone call within the last year. Like I really started thinking about it. I think that I need to talk about this and I've been to therapy before. It wasn't something that came up, which, looking back on it now, I'm kind of surprised, but I think I was just really burying it.
Speaker 1:Looking back, when did it start, and what did that look like?
Speaker 2:I have a few vivid memories that I'll never forget, and the very first one that I can remember is I was in my grandmother's driveway. We were standing outside getting ready to take the Easter picture. We were waiting for somebody to bring a camera out and my dad said to me now we have to wait for somebody with a damn camera. Now we have to wait for somebody with a damn camera. Well, my mom came outside and I don't know why, but I thought I should tell her what he said. So I repeated it and said you know, daddy said we have to wait for someone with a damn camera. And I just remember, somehow we were left alone again.
Speaker 2:Everybody went inside and he backhanded me in the face and I just I mean, I think I was probably five, I think that's the first memory that I have where I thought that's a little bit excessive, and I still, even to even till right now, while we're talking about it, I'm like thinking some people are going to say well, you deserved it. That wasn't abuse, that was your parent correcting you. But is that just me saying that? Because I'm trying to protect him, I still think to myself sometimes like, well, I was in the wrong and that's so not true. Like I was not. I was five and a grown man backhanded me in the face. I was five and a grown man backhanded me in the face. We don't want adults to do that to grown women. So I'm sure that doing it to a five-year-old girl is even more traumatic. I never thought of it as trauma. I never. I didn't think about it that it was abuse.
Speaker 2:And then more and more stories started coming to the surface and I was like boy. When you add all of this up, this kind of sounds like I might have been abused. You know like and I'm a nurse. I was a nurse for eight years. So you go through training, you go through domestic violence training. You know every time you renew your license and we're taught to see these type of things.
Speaker 2:And the truth is that it's so hidden I've never talked about it in 40 years, and now I'm finding out that my mom never talked about it, so literally no one knows what went on. And so now that I'm coming out about it, it's making some people very uncomfortable because they don't. They don't believe what I'm saying, and that's really hard. It's really hard to be a liar when you're talking about your truth that you've been holding on to and afraid to talk about for so long. It's like you don't know what to expect, but you know it's not going to be good, so it makes you not want to talk about it. You know it's not going to be good.
Speaker 1:You know, it's interesting because I was going to ask about your mom, especially after that incident. I have to imagine there was a mark or something. I don't know if you fell.
Speaker 2:I don't think my mom even knew. Like that isolated part is the only part I remember, so I don't know if my brain just decided to ignore the rest, but my mom never knew about that. My mom never knew that he did that to me and I never told her because, like again, I didn't think I was being abused, which is so strange to say out loud it sounds so stupid, but that I got 40 years into this life and didn't see it. He was always my hero. He was the person that I always wanted. I was striving for his love my whole life and then to turn around and realize that doing that has been hurting me, it's really hard to get used to and to unlearn. It's very hard. There's so much on this topic.
Speaker 1:We are similar in age and some would say that we grew up in the generation where the punishment was you got physically slapped or you got the belt or you got whatever, and it was just accepted as normal. If that's what happened in your household and whatever and it also is, the generations of you don't talk about what goes on in your house to others. So already for you finding the courage to come forward and say, hey, this is what happened. And now, as an adult, I recognize this behavior as something different. And you're fighting the older generations of well, that's just how it is and you shouldn't be talking about it. And here you are fighting the older generations of well, that's just how it is and you shouldn't be talking about it. And here you are breaking the generational norm that went on back then.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I continue to replay the memories and I think to myself, like, how am I going to teach people to come out about this? Am I going to teach people to come out about this? How can I help people come out about this? Because there's a fear when you think about talking about it. And what good is it going to do to talk about it? I think that's something that I kept struggling with. Like, okay, who am I going to tell as an adult? Why would this matter? Who's going to care? I'm an adult. This happened 35 years ago. Who's going to care? I'm an adult. This happened 35 years ago. And then you also. You don't want to be a victim. And now the last thing I want to do is say I was abused, because I just can't believe it. I feel so strong now that I can't believe I went through that. I don't know. I'm sorry, I'm going off on a tangent.
Speaker 1:No, that actually brings up a really great point is what do you do when you realize that you have been a victim? What do?
Speaker 2:you do. So what I started doing was exploring it. I just kept thinking about it and I was like it just kept nagging at me. And that's one of the things I actually talk about on my Instagram and, you know, in coaching, I think my biggest tip for people would be, when something doesn't feel right, ask yourself why and just keep digging, because there's an answer. And then there's an answer underneath that and then there's another answer, and it's never the surface level thing, it's the thing that's like three or four whys into it, like that's the real root of the issue. But when you're talking about something that happened 35 years ago, there are so many layers of other things that have built on top of that one fear the fear of that person that so many other areas of your life are affected. It takes so long to get to the root cause. It sounds intimidating to say that out loud, but it's the only way to get through it. It's the only way to be free from it. Only way to be free from it.
Speaker 2:My journey on this started seven years ago when I was having panic attacks and I was unable to control it. The trigger that started me on this journey into looking into this was. I have had anxiety and depression for years was not diagnosed until I was like 35 years old. I didn't know where the anxiety came from. My mom also has it. We're both very high energy, nervous type people. Now, looking back at that, my mom was also abused as a child. I see similarities in her actions and mine because of the abuse, because we were both abused. So now the relationship I had with my mom is going to be so different from here on out because I understand her. Now she doesn't understand her because she has not done the work. She doesn't understand why she is like that. She just thinks this is me and unfortunately I don't think that she's ever going to explore that. She just thinks it's the way she is. But now I see it as trauma response. I know that's what's happening. So when she starts doing that, it allows me to recognize it and help her to stop the trauma response that she's having.
Speaker 2:So I was having anxiety attacks and the one that got me was I was on my way home with my kids in the car and I had been having issues with my gallbladder and I thought maybe I might have to have it taken out and I panicked myself into thinking that I was going to die in surgery before having it looked at before any testing. Anxiety connects impossible dots in your brain and makes you think that something really bad is going to happen. And you feel like you know it. You have a gut feeling. I know something bad is going to happen. And I was driving and I felt like I was going to pass out. And all my kids were in the car and I was like, oh my God, I have to get control of myself because I'm driving just in my thoughts and feeling like I'm going to pass out. I was making myself that way.
Speaker 2:All of it was happening in my head. It was self-inflicted, and that's when I was like something's not right, I gotta do something. That's when my journey started and since then it's been hard and tough, but also freeing and so life-changing and so life-changing. And not only is it going to help me, but it ripples out to my children, to my husband. It's going to make my relationship with my mother better, my relationship with my friends. Understanding yourself and getting control of who you are is the best thing you can do for yourself. Finding that my trauma was the basis of why I was making myself so mentally ill, was really eye-opening.
Speaker 1:Yeah, are your parents still together?
Speaker 2:No, they divorced after my father. He did choke her. So that was another one of the times that I experienced trauma, and again, I don't see it as trauma. How old were you when you witnessed that? So I wasn't there, but I got there shortly after, like just within minutes. So I saw the aftermath and I got the story from my brother, although I didn't see that part, the choking part. I saw the smashed plate on the wall. I saw the smashed phone on the floor. I saw my mother, red, shaking uncontrollably, holding my infant brother. I saw my uncle and my dad like I'm gonna take you outside and we're gonna to settle this. Like I saw all of that and knowing and seeing the hand marks on her neck and knowing that she has documentation at the police station, like I just started thinking about all this stuff and I'm like this was not healthy. This, this, this was not healthy.
Speaker 2:And then, nine, my parents separated but my father was still single for another three years. They were trying to work on their marriage. He would pick us up, typically drunk, on Saturday night at nine or 10 o'clock at night. It was dark out. We would go to his house. We would go to sleep after watching TV In the morning, we would get up, go to church. He would drop us off at church with my mom and then we would go home.
Speaker 2:That was the extent of our relationship with him for three years. During that time period, if we were with him I was just always afraid, because if I did the wrong thing or he got mad, I was just terrified he was going to beat me. I remember him chasing me up the stairs, like me, running and crying, trying to run up the stairs and grab at the carpet so that he could like I don't even know what I thought I was going to do, but I remember crawling up the stairs and just trying to grab onto the carpet because I knew he was going to drag me downstairs. And did he catch you, of course, because there was nobody else there.
Speaker 1:Did anybody else like a neighbor or anybody?
Speaker 2:My neighbors were my grandparents and they never my mom never told them about the abuse that she went through with him. So no, they never knew anything. The night that my dad choked my mom, she did call my grandma and my grandmother came over and there wasn't really anything she could do to call my dad down. She came over but they just never got the full story. And then my parents separated at that point, which happened in secret because my mom was afraid to leave him. She knew that he wasn't going to be happy, so she moved out in secret. She got an apartment and again, I look back at this as an adult and I think this is a red flag.
Speaker 2:She was afraid of him to the point that she got an apartment a month before she told him and painted it and renovated it and was going, you know, in the middle of the day, while we were in school, to paint an apartment that we were going to move into and wasn't telling him because she knew he wouldn't let us go. We weren't there. The day that she told him she took us to a family member's house and let us stay there for the weekend, probably because she knew it wasn't going to be good.
Speaker 1:What were your teenage years like then, having had experienced this at such a young age?
Speaker 2:My father got remarried and what was so strange was that when he brought the woman into his life she already had two children and they became his new family. So he developed a relationship with her children and he was able to get her to marry him. And it was almost like he resented us because we were my mom's children. It was almost like he resented us because we were a reminder of them. It felt like we were just the other kids, the other family. They would take her kids and go out to dinner when it was just them, but they would never take all five of us out Very rarely maybe for somebody's birthday.
Speaker 2:But they would make comments during the week when they they had the kids, like oh well, you know, when the kids aren't here we'll go to Ponderosa or whatever. And I just remember thinking like why does it have to be like that? Why are we separate families? Why don't you love us the way you love them? You know, and to this day he has a relationship with them. They buy him Father's Day gifts and they and it like disgusts me because I'm like that's, that's my dad, that's supposed to be my dad. And he wasn't my dad, he was your dad.
Speaker 1:Why Do you think he treated them the same way that he abused them too?
Speaker 2:Absolutely not. No, no way, no way. And his second wife, when they were dating, she said to me Nicole, if your dad doesn't cut his shit, I'm leaving. And that was the only time that I ever saw her upset with him. They never fought, never. And I truly think that it was because she had the balls enough to stick up to him. My mom did not. And I truly think that it was because she had the balls enough to stick up to him my mom did not. And because my mom didn't defend herself or stick up for herself, it got out of control. But his new wife was able to stand up for herself.
Speaker 2:To be completely honest, she's very tall and face-to-face. If you're looking at somebody face-to-face and threatening them, it's a lot different than if you're looking at somebody smaller and shorter than you and telling them you're going to hurt them. You know so it just it never got to that point. There was no abuse, and I really think that's one of the biggest reasons why people don't believe it is because they're like they don't. They saw our family, they saw our life, they saw him with those kids and they just don't. They don't believe it. You know, and and also you know it was only nine years total of my life and then a few years, you know, with my mom and the rest of it, the rest of his marital life with her. There's been nothing like that.
Speaker 2:So the teenage years were hard because my mother and I did not get along at all. I was always told that I was boy crazy and I was made to feel that because I wanted attention from boys. That was a bad thing. I just read my diaries from high school, from 7th, 8th and 9th grade just about a month ago, and every single page is about boys, different boys. That's the majority of the books and how much I hated my mom. I put no substance of much of anything else and I think it was because I was so afraid somebody would read what I was putting in there. So I just I was very careful about what I said, but the two repeating things I saw were I always wanted attention from boys and that I hated my mom. I think that the biggest reason that we butted heads so much was because I'm sure she also felt you know, we see in other people things we don't like about ourselves and I think that because she also went through the same experience I did with her father and suffered physical and emotional abuse as well. She probably had the same fear of her father. So she was always looking for someone, just like I was always looking for someone. She was always afraid that I was gonna sleep around. Everything was about sex. It became about sex and it made me feel so much shame, like so shameful, that I wanted attention from boys Again. Until now I haven't been able to verbalize or talk about why I was that way, and it's because I was looking for some protector, for someone to love me.
Speaker 2:I had a mother who was struggling, single mom, working all the time, four or five nights a week. My brothers don't even remember ever having dinner with my mom because she was always working. A mom that was really working hard to keep food on the table and support us, which she did a very good job at, but she was very unavailable. And then a father who had a daughter that needs nurturing. She needs protection. She needs somebody to tell her you don't let people do this to you. You stand up for yourself. If anybody ever tries to hurt you, you tell me like I will defend you.
Speaker 2:You know I didn't have that. I had the person that was hurting me. The person that I wanted the love from was the person that was beating me, and I don't want to say I'm sorry, because I know it needs to come out, but that's a part of it, right Is? You got to go through it. So it was no wonder that I wanted attention from other boys, because I wanted somebody to tell me that they loved me. I wanted love. I see that now with my brother and his children. He is the total opposite of my dad and I realize the impact that a good father has on a daughter's life. They have so much ability to set their children, their daughters, up in a way that they're empowered and they're strong and they believe in themselves. When your father's not there, you're also shamed for trying to find love, yeah, validation, like you said, a protector.
Speaker 2:Yeah, striving for love, just like I will do whatever. Just I want to cling to someone, love me, like that's what you're just looking for somebody to like you. Even my diaries were. This boy talked to me and he was so nice to me and basic things, basic conversations. There was no sex, there was no like. It wasn't about that at all for me.
Speaker 2:At one point during my teenage years my mother kicked me out of her house and I had to go live with my dad for a year. And after that and I moved to Florida there was a period of time where my father thought a situation happened and that I lied to him and it wasn't true and he refused to talk to me. After that he told me I needed to get out of his house. So I packed all of my stuff. So at that point I was 19 and my mom and dad had both told me I couldn't live in their homes anymore. I was in college and I was at the end of my semester and I was starting to get worried because I didn't know where I was going to live. So my now husband's mom told me to come to Florida. I was like, are you serious? And she said yeah, and that was in 2004. And I've been here ever since, so it ended up really really good and it could have been really bad.
Speaker 1:Was your dad the type to give you hugs or say I love?
Speaker 2:you. No, I remember one I love you. For years he refused communication with me. After he kicked me out of his house at two years, I wrote him a letter and said you know, I want to talk this out. And like he refused to talk to me so emotional abuse, yeah, Withholding even communication with me because I didn't do what he wanted me to do, Believe me or trust me it was something so stupid. Like I wasn't at a friend's house when I said I was or something, but I was there, so it wasn't even something major that I lied about, Like I didn't, you know, steal a bunch of money or like you know, it wasn't something outrageous. And then I, as the child, went back and said I want to talk this out. I'm you know, I want to fix this. And he said I love you.
Speaker 2:After that four-year time period he called me on Christmas, drunk. And that was the last time I remember him telling me I love you and the only time that I specifically remember him saying it. I'm sure he said it when I was little little, I'm sure, but I don't remember it at all. I don't remember any physical affection at all. I do know that he used to brush my hair. I remember that and he was very gentle at it, because my mom used to rake through my hair and he would be very gentle, it was like he was being delicate with my hair. But then he would beat the shit out of me and after he did that, after he hurt me and I was like so upset and crying, immediately he would be like come here, I'm sorry, I love you, and yeah, he would bring me in and like hold me and say he was sorry and it's okay.
Speaker 1:That's what abusers do, is they show you love and then they beat you or isolate you or emotionally manipulate you, and then they love you again, like, oh, I'm sorry, it'll be okay, da-da-da-da-da, did your dad ever say I'm sorry?
Speaker 2:No, and he just found out that I started talking about it. And his response to he told me he wanted to talk to me via text. And then he ended up telling me via text that he knew that I was talking about stuff. And then he ended up telling me via text that he knew that I was talking about stuff and he said you made me look like an asshole, but I have a voice now and I don't want you to reach out to me unless you're willing to admit it. And it was a very long message with specific things that I if he doesn't remember, that's fine, I remember them, I will remind him. So I wrote them out, sent it, um, and his response was well, I'm out of your life and you need help. And after that I blocked him because I've held it long enough and carry it long enough that now that I've opened my mouth and talked about it and I feel I'm feeling the difference of him not being there anymore him in my life. If he's not going to admit it Was this recent, this was within the last month.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think one of the things that scares people about speaking out is that you know you're at risk for losing that person forever. I knew that he wasn't going to like it when I started speaking out. I knew I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know how he would react, but I knew that it wasn't going to be good, especially because, like I said, I'm afraid of him.
Speaker 2:I'm not now, not now, but I was so being afraid of somebody and then coming out with a secret that you know is going to be damaging, it's almost like you don't want to do it because you want to protect their reputation. I didn't want to tell anybody because I didn't want to expose him. I didn't want him to be upset because people knew I want his love. That's all I wanted all his life. And now I'm going to do the thing that's going to hurt him in order to save myself, and it's just very difficult, and I can understand why people don't want to do it because they're afraid that they're going to lose the person. The chances that you're going to lose that person are very big. I get it.
Speaker 1:And there are people that are going to be like why didn't she just talk to him in person?
Speaker 2:No, oh my God, Never. I would not be able to say what I wanted to say in person, because as soon as I started to talk and he denied it, I would. I'm not a fighter, I'm not going to stand here and yell that if I started talking about this, he would have responded like oh come on, I spanked your butt a couple times. Or he actually told my brother after this happened. In one sentence he said I never laid a hand on you kids, but I do remember that one time that you got it. He said that to my brother. I mean, so which is it? Both things came out of his mouth in the same sentence. I never laid a hand on you kids, but I do remember the one time you got it. So it's not never.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Now you've moved to Florida, you have a boyfriend, aspirations of getting married. Do you have any fear that you will treat your kids the way that you were raised, like the whole generational trauma?
Speaker 2:I never wanted to have a daughter because I was terrified that I was going to have the relationship with her that I have with my mom. I was terrified to have kids for that reason and I don't know what would have happened, you know, but the relationship between us was so bad that I did not want to relive that and I was afraid that if I had a daughter and she was like me, that that would happen. I wasn't afraid to have boys and I was not worried about generational trauma because, again, I didn't know that I had been abused. But something else did happen when my middle son was. I shared this on Instagram. It's a pretty emotional post. Hopefully I won't start crying this time.
Speaker 2:So my son was two, my middle son was two at the time. My oldest was four and we were in their bedroom and I was sitting on the bunk bed. On the bunk bed and I don't remember what he said or what he did, but I was upset and I slapped him like this on the face. So I didn't backhand him like my father did to me, but I hit him with the front of my hand and that wasn't the first time that I had had that urge. I had had that urge before and was like, okay, he's little, like don't hit him. But I hit him in the face and I had these rings on that actually have my kids' names on them. And just the way my hand slapped his face, I caught his cheekbone and it left a bruise on his face bone and it left a bruise on his face. I was mortified. I felt so much shame, so much guilt, so much fear that people were going to see what I did and think I was abusing my children. I panicked and that was another really big eye-opener for me that something was wrong, that something was wrong. Something was wrong with me being able to control my emotions. I did not know how to do that. So when I got mad I would yell, I would lash out, I would you know. And when I say yell I mean raise my voice. I'm not a yeller Like I don't fight with my husband and I have never had a verbal, loud, yelling argument ever. I'm just not that type of person. So I don't yell at them, but I would raise my voice. I couldn't handle it and after that I told myself right then and there I will never hit my children ever. I'll never lay a hand on my children ever again.
Speaker 2:I kept him out of school because he was in preschool and I was terrified that they were going to be like why does he have a bruise? And it. I kept him out of school because he was in preschool and I was terrified that they were going to be like why does he have a bruise? And you know, it's funny too, because they could have a bruise anywhere. He could have been hit in the face with a baseball or you know whatever. I could have lied, but I was so terrified that somebody was just going to ask, like, buddy, what happened to your face? And he was going to say, oh, my mommy smacked me.
Speaker 2:I started panicking. I've got to get control of this. I still. I still wasn't thinking like, oh, this is trauma. I just remember thinking my dad did this to me. My dad slapped me in the face and I remember that. Now Roman's going to remember that, oh my God.
Speaker 2:And it weighed on me for years and years and years. It weighed in my gut. It was just there digging a hole. It made me sick. Every day. I'd be like is he going to? Is he going to remember that I hit him in the face and he's going to hate me. He's going to remember that. I slapped him Like, is he going to remember that? And then I panic, thinking, oh my God, he's going to grow up and hate me. He's going to grow up and remember that one thing, and probably six months ago I asked him about it Because I just had to know he said he did, and I was so thankful that he didn't remember, because I don't want him to remember that I feel like that was a sick version of me and somebody that I just don't want him to remember me like that, and that was enough motivation for me to really start working on myself.
Speaker 1:How did you get control of your emotions after the first time that you laid your hands on your child? So many people don't know how to do that or where to start. What did you do?
Speaker 2:The first thing I did was I noticed when I was getting angry. I knew that once I got to a certain point it got real hard to control myself and that's when I hit him. So I told myself pay attention when you get upset. When it starts, you got to stop it. So whatever that means for that person and I have ADD. So and that's a whole nother layer again to this children who are in a situation where they do not like something and they can't do anything about it. So their body will actually divert their attention to something else. And children with abuse are typically in that category. Because as an infant or a child, when there's fighting or there's something bad happening and like my brother being beaten in front of me and I can't do anything about it, your brain will tell you to focus on something else. So then you just keep focusing on different things to avoid what's going on.
Speaker 2:I would say probably two years ago I was in the pantry with my children. It was getting too loud and when there's a lot of noise, overstimulated, I legit cannot hear my thoughts Like I can't. Everything's the same sound for people that have ADD when they're trying to concentrate. I felt it, you know. I felt it welling up and I said, okay, stop, everybody just stop for a second. And now my kids know they've gotten accustomed to it. When I say we, everybody just stop for a second. And now my kids know they've gotten accustomed to it. When I say we got to stop for a minute, I'm getting overstimulated and I'm getting really upset. I make myself just calm down, take a deep breath and I mean it's gone. Sometimes just doing that isn't enough. Sometimes I have to physically remove myself from the situation and again that's self-awareness. I used to think that that made me weak, that I had to remove myself from the situation. I'm weak for not being able to control myself. Thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 1:Very valuable. Who was the first person you shared your secret with Over time I have.
Speaker 2:I've talked about it lightly. I never said the word abuse. So who was the first person that I talked to about it? I've talked about it. I just couldn't label it. I couldn't accept that it wasn't just parenting. How did I first say I've been through trauma? It was actually on social media At first. I started talking about the events. I just started talking about what happened and I wasn't saying trauma. The word trauma or abuse wasn't really coming out. But I was just talking about the stories and about hitting my son in the face and I said I knew I needed help, but I still wasn't saying it.
Speaker 2:I put a label, trigger warning, child abuse, trigger warning, you know and I was like am I really going to do this? Like this is it? Am I really going to do it? And I sat here and struggled oh man, this is big. I don't. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can, but I have to. I've already started. I've started it. I've just been leaking it, you know, leaking these little things out, and I was just like what, what do I have to lose? I just push post, you know, just pushed. Next just push the button.
Speaker 2:But again, I think people get so scared because, even though I wasn't in any real danger anymore and I haven't been abused for years, I didn't want to break up my family and I knew that this was going to create a lot of issues. I knew it was going to create waste. I didn't want to lose my dad because I've been fighting for his love my whole life. That's the last thing I want. I'll probably die still wishing he loved me. You know that's never going to go away.
Speaker 1:Would you say now, in regards to your relationship with your dad, that you're grieving that relationship, the loss of never having a dad?
Speaker 2:I didn't think that I was going to grieve and I actually have a friend that's going through the same thing. She started talking about her trauma a few weeks before I did, and actually seeing her talk about it gave me the courage to talk about it. So I understand it now, because once I saw her talking about it, I was like, well shit, if she's going to talk about it, then I can talk about it with her. That's somebody. I know that it happened to her too. Now I can talk to her about it Again. You just think you have to carry it alone Once you start talking to somebody and you're like, oh my God, there's other dads that did this to their kids too.
Speaker 2:Like there's other dads like this. Like, oh my God, like I want to help them. I want to help these girls get out of that. Get out of that trap of of trying to get his love Like it's never going to happen. Cut him off and just get out. It's so much better, you're free.
Speaker 2:I told somebody this today when I make a decision in my life when I wanted to go to nursing school, when I wanted to quit nursing, when start photography, when I wanted to do boudoir specifically, when I wanted to marry my husband, like all of these major decisions, right, the first person that I think about is my husband, because he is my number one. We've been together since high school. I cannot believe that we made it this far. It's been up and down and just crazy, but we have, and he's my biggest supporter. I can't imagine my life without him. So my first thought is what's Mark going to think about this? Like, whatever the decision is, how is this going to affect Mark and us, like our relationship, because we're the pillars, right, we're the pillars of our family. And then the second question that was so micro, little tiny, this little spark but it was there was what's my dad going to think? And that was always the second. He was always the second one.
Speaker 2:I was never enough. Never, never, never, regardless of all of my accomplishments, my financial success, my children, all of these accomplishments I thought would make him love me, and I just kept striving for more. I ran myself into the ground. I lost my business because I was just trying to prove myself to him. Every time I made a decision, I'd think what's my dad going to think about this? Is my dad going to? Is this going to make him love me more. Okay, then I'm going to do it. Love me more. Okay, then I'm going to do it. I'm going to do this thing and he's going to be so proud of me and I go and I show him and I'm like dad, I did this, this and this and I would get silence, a thumbs up. I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted to hear him say, like God, I'm so proud of you, I love you so much.
Speaker 2:And right there, at the top of the most important people that I cared about was his opinion, and that stopped me from doing so many things I wanted to do because I knew he wouldn't approve. Now that it's not there, I feel free because the only other person that matters is my husband. I know he's always going to support me. So that doubt in myself is gone. Those thoughts of I'm not good enough, I'm never going to be good enough, are gone. Because that person is now gone. There is this explosion of like oh my God, I did it. Oh my God. Like people know he's exposed. Like people know what he did to me. But more so, I know why I am the way I am. Now I know why I was boy crazy. I know what I was doing. I know it wasn't related to sex. It's so much more about understanding why you were the way you were and what you thought about yourself and that it was not true?
Speaker 1:Where does forgiveness play in your healing process? I?
Speaker 2:forgive the action because it was so long ago and he wasn't the same person as he is now. We all change and we all grow. So I forgive that. He did it. He didn't know. He didn't know what he was doing and, even though he won't admit it, I truly don't believe that he was doing it to damage me. He was just angry and he didn't have emotional control and he didn't know how to handle it. So he beat the shit out of us. I forgive him for that.
Speaker 2:What I don't forgive him for is not admitting it. Don't tell me that you didn't do it. It makes me mad. Like you're going to try to tell me that you didn't physically beat me. I'm never going to say, oh yeah, you're right, you know what you didn't do that, never, never. But I forgive him for the actions and I think that's why I held onto it for so long, like I didn't want to expose him. I didn't feel like that's really what he wanted to do to me. But the fact that you can't admit what you did to me, you can't tell me you're sorry, can't admit what you did to me, you can't tell me you're sorry, that's hard. I can't let go of that and that's why I blocked him. I originally wasn't planning on talking to him until I had some time. I am protecting myself because I don't want to get a barrage of phone calls or messages that are going to upset me when I'm trying to heal through it. I just need the time.
Speaker 1:Yep, You're setting your boundary. Looking down on yourself through adult eyes. What would you tell that little five-year-old girl?
Speaker 2:Oh gosh. So I did an exercise like this in breathwork. I just recently did a 9D breathwork and this actually came up in it and in some of the other work that I've been doing too. This actually came up in it and in some of the other work that I've been doing, too. That was another really eye-opening experience that pointed to my dad. You're going into it talking about your fears, and my fears were Mark and I aren't going to make it, and I went into it with okay, I'm going to get some clarity on that. But it wasn't even about him. It was about my dad, and the fears that I was having weren't about my marriage or my husband. But it took me digging to find that, and during that experience, they tell you to remember yourself as a child if you experience any kind of trauma.
Speaker 2:I envisioned myself during the breath work. I envisioned going back to myself and giving her what she needed. So I think, instead of telling her something in my mind in a meditation, in a meditative state, while I was remembering the little girl that was standing there watching things happen and that was putting my body in between my father, who was physically in my mom's face, and verbally threatening her. I slid my body in between them and told him leave my mommy alone. That's another memory that I have, and so I don't tell that little girl anything, but in my meditation and when I think back to it, I comfort her. I go back there and I am like I got you, you're okay, just go over here and we're going to play in the corner, just don't pay attention. I am now there supporting that little girl, and I know that she wasn't in the wrong and I know that she's safe now and that I am the comfort that she needed. I'm there now.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for sharing, Nicole. Thank you for being my guest on the I Need Blue podcast. Thank you so much. I really enjoyed being here, Absolutely. And this is Jen Lee, host of the I Need Blue podcast. If you want to learn anything and everything about I Need Blue, visit my website, wwwineedbluenet. And remember you are stronger than you think. Until next time.
