Silenced: When Speaking Up Wasn’t an Option - Donna

Breaking the Silence of Abuse.  Reclaiming Power After Faith-Based Shame. Embracing Healing and Restoration.

Donna shares her journey growing up in the 70s and 80s, a time when women were expected to “protect the marriage,” “don’t embarrass the family,” and keep domestic struggles hidden. Enduring religious shame and domestic abuse, she faced fear, isolation, and near tragedy, yet found the courage to reclaim her life.

In this deeply honest episode, Donna opens up about confronting trauma, seeking faith and counseling, and leaning on community to turn shame into restoration. If you’ve ever wondered whether it’s too late to heal, this conversation shows that hope endures, strength can be rebuilt, and your voice can finally be heard.

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The background music is written, performed and produced exclusively by Melissa Turri.
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Transcript

Welcome, Mission, And Trigger Warning

SPEAKER_01 0:00

I'm grateful you're here today. I'm Jennifer Lee, and this is the Healing and Sharing podcast. Formerly I Need Blue. If parts of your past still feel close, childhood wounds, loss, or moments that continue to shape you as you unpack them, this space was created for you. The Healing and Sharing is where women tell their stories honestly, connect through shared experience, and take steps towards healing together, letting others know they are not alone. Here, survival becomes strength. Before we begin, a gentle trigger warning. This podcast includes discussions of domestic violence, childhood trauma, and other sensitive topics. Please take care of yourself and ask for help if needed. You always come first. Thank you to Melissa Turrey for composing the beautiful opening melody. To learn more, visit thehealinginsharing dot com. Now let's begin today's journey. You don't air your dirty laundry. That's what they used to say. Decades ago before social media, before people dared to speak their truth, what happened behind closed doors stayed there. Silence was expected, image mattered. My guess today Donna grew up in that world. A world where religion ruled the home, abuse wasn't a thing, and divorce never an option. You married for life until she didn't. Now Donna uses her voice to help other women release their hidden dirty laundry of shame and guilt. Her message of restoration and hope is simple yet life-changing. Ask yourself, what do I want to do? Donna, I'm so excited to reconnect with you. Thank you for joining me and for your courage to share your truth. Welcome to the I Need Blue Podcast. Thanks so much for having me, Jen. Of course. I'm so glad that we connected the way we did through that self-defense class with Zonta. And you and I have already been discussing the situation, the generational trauma, what it was like in the 70s and the 80s. The the fact that it was in the 70s and the 80s is a really important aspect of this story because there are many women of that generation. You don't air your dirty laundry.

SPEAKER_00 2:58

Oh, yes, absolutely. Absolutely. And in the church, you never talk they never talked about um domestic abuse, even outside the church. Actually, my recollection, the thing that broke it wide open was the um O.J. Simpson.

SPEAKER_01 3:15

Oh, and then uh Nicole, right?

SPEAKER_00 3:17

Yeah, Nicole, yes. That was the first time domestic abuse was in the public square, to my recollection. My point being, it certainly wasn't mentioned in the church, but it really wasn't a topic that was discussed socially either. Until that, until that incident, people were horrified, like, wow, this goes on, where men, strong men, perpetrate violence on women. It's like, uh, yeah. So there was so much shame. That's the point. There was so much shame involved that people didn't speak about. Because my mom lived through it too, and she never shared it. Was all behind closed doors, yes.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

So when you first saw on TV this whole OJ Simpson scenario playing out, what were you thinking? What were you feeling?

SPEAKER_00 4:21

Well, it definitely was a bit triggering. I had lived in a home of domestic uh violence as well. My father, you know, was an alcoholic. And before he and my mom gave their lives to the Lord, he um was a drinker and a gambler. We I was one of eight children. And so we had that in the home, but of course, it stayed in the home. We never talked about it. And then, as was quite common, I did marry someone that treated me like that because to me that was my normal.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

Yes. But then also when you are a part of the church, now you have another element of I have to stay, or religiously, spiritually, these additional bad things will happen.

“We Don’t Air Our Dirty Laundry”

SPEAKER_00 5:18

Oh, absolutely. Divorce was never an option for my mother or for me. We were a strong Catholic family. And you know, back then, uh I was born in the mid-50s. Catholics just did not divorce, and there were no divorces in our family. And then I got became saved, born again in 74. My parents got saved about five years later through the Catholic charismatic movement, and um, they stayed in the Catholic Church. I started going to Bible, Bible teaching churches, but I had dated my husband in the 70s. He was kind of my first boyfriend. I went to Catholic schools my whole life, very sheltered. I met him at church. His parents were associate pastors. He was very controlling, but like I said, that was the roles that I observed in my family of origin. And so I never questioned it like, wow, I don't deserve to be treated like this, because that's what I saw my dad treating my mom. So it was of a generation where there was no rescuing or people didn't understand the cycle of violence and domestic abuse. It wasn't written about, it wasn't talked about.

SPEAKER_01 6:43

I grew up hearing these things as well. Two of them that come to mind is you don't air your dirty laundry. Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

Yes, absolutely. So my husband, I begged him that we should go get counseling, and that that is verbatim what he said back. We don't air our dirty laundry. And then I also remember uh saying to myself while I was in that marriage, um, mom endured, I can endure.

SPEAKER_01 7:17

I remember hearing, you made your bed, now lie in it.

SPEAKER_00 7:21

Which is very sad, of course, now, but I remember saying that to myself in the middle of the night laying in bed.

The Counselor’s Life-Changing Question

SPEAKER_01 7:28

You know, for those listening, we hear the word controlling so many times, but boy, it can look different from one relationship to another, to another. Can you tell us a little bit about what controlling looked like and felt like to you?

SPEAKER_00 7:46

Yes, I remember growing up thinking, well, what would my dad say? What would my dad want me to do? And then when I got married, it was, oh, what is my husband gonna say about this? And so much so that I remember after um I almost lost my life in my marriage and I escaped, fled. I was in counseling, I was talking to my counselor and she said, Well, what do you want to do? And it stopped me, and I quietly said to her, you know, I never ask myself that question. She looked at me and said, Well, I think you better start. And I tell you, Jen, I had a picture or a vision in my mind's eye of a brick wall falling and disintegrating. So it told me, yes, okay, from now on, you are going to make decisions. So later, when I got out of my marriage, my mom's uh came to a crisis with my father. And because I had that experience, when my mom called me, I was on my call, I had a beeper, I got the call. I said to her, Mom, what do you want to do? And immediately my mom said, I want you and your brother to come with me to the house. I want to get enough clothes for two weeks. So, see, she had a plan that told me that. But that is something I've used in talking with women because God gives us instincts and wisdom within ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 9:38

Yeah, I cannot wait to get into how God carried you through. But I wanted to ask you, you said something about um you almost lost your life, but you escaped.

The Night That Opened The Cage

SPEAKER_00 9:49

Yes. Of course, divorce, as I said, was never an option. I can remember us driving on the freeway um in a little 1973, brand new Volkswagen Beetle, Super Beetle, and I would check on my passenger side rear view mirror, and I would say, look, there's a big rig truck in the next lane to my right. All I have to do is open the door and lean out. And so taking my life was more of an option than going through the shame of divorce, because you know, his parents were leaders in the church, he was a worship leader. I would be have been the first in my family of anyone in my family, uh, you know, older or younger. And so that was more of an option, absolutely, which is sad.

SPEAKER_01 10:56

Yeah. So for you, suicide was almost more comfortable than actually having to come forward and say, I'm getting a divorce.

Fear, Shame, And Legal Blind Spots

Family Intervention And Naming Abuse

SPEAKER_00 11:09

Yes. And then also to expose him as to how he was treating me. When I say I almost lost my life, it's true. It's not because he was trying to murder me, but the the last incident, and I look at it as a way that the Lord opened up the door of the cage I was in, my marriage, because I wouldn't have have stepped away. But what happened? It was um a Friday night, we would go out to dinner. Well, he started wanting to get a bottle of wine at dinner. And, you know, I would say, you know, I I really, I only just want one glass. I don't want more than that. That was the initial reason that the night started out rough. But if you know anything about a batterer or domestic abuse, it's a cycle of violence. You have these incidences, it's never really about the incident, it's about control. We get in our little car and uh we lived in a little apartment, and we were pulling in. And you know, in these little cars, when someone gets out of the car and you're driving and they close the door, it's it seems like they slam it. So I go into the little apartment and he comes in and he's just furious, and he said, You slammed the car door in anger. And I'm like, No, no, I didn't, you know, I didn't. You know, I just got out, closed the door, and he pulled into the carport, you know. So that went on for oh over and over. No, no, I didn't, you know, and if I did, okay, I'm sorry, you know, but no, I didn't. Well, he wouldn't let it go. Um, so finally, I just remember I thought, you know, he just needs to cool off. He wanted to watch a baseball game or something. So I went upstairs uh to take a shower and wash my hair. And I remember saying, I'm just gonna really take my time. And by then, you know, he's watching the game, it'll be it'll be over. Well, no, it wasn't. Came up, uh, started in again. Um, and by then, we had been married about two years, and you start to learn the pattern. You start to learn that no matter what you say, you can't reason them out of it, you know, because I remember saying, Well, so what if I did? You know, come on, that was three hours ago, or what, you know. But what you learn, the learned behavior that battered women start to walk in is you you just shut down. You start to learn, you know what, it's futile for me to try to reason. Because a normal person is like, okay, we're married, we gotta work this out. Let's talk this out and let's move on. But see, it's not about that, it's not about the issue, it's about the control, as you mentioned. And so I shut down, I just stopped talking, and I was up there drying my hair. Well, he yanked the hairdryer out of the socket and is yelling. And I just plugged it back in and started drying my hair. He did it again, did it again. So then I'm like, okay, I'm just gonna crawl into bed. I had my nightgown on and my wet hair just crawled into bed and then, but wouldn't let up, you know, pulling the covers, yelling, you know, but pulling me, turning my face physically. So I had tried to call. I don't know who I was gonna call, but this was back in the days we had wired phones and he pulled, literally pulled the phone out of the wall. I kind of had a a line in the sand, a closed fist to the face. Yes, that would be like how a man would hit a man. You know, that would be abuse. I had lived for years with preventing me from leaving a room, pulling my arm. So what happened then? I broke. I started crying. Well, when you cry and you you cry for an hour, you can't breathe out your nose anymore. We're laying there on the bed, and he has both my hands up above my head, and I had my eyes closed. I was starting to yell. Well, he was afraid the neighbors would hit here. And then all of a sudden, my head is looking at the wall to the side, and I was like, oh, I just got a closed fist to the face. And then I started to wail. And then he put his hand over my mouth. Well, he didn't know that I couldn't breathe out my nose. Then I couldn't breathe out my my mouth, and literally I could not get his hand off my mouth. I could not breathe out my nose. And literally, I had a picture, another picture in my mind of ambulance guys bringing a gurney up the stairs of our apartment to get me. I thought, I'm gonna die right here. He didn't have his hands on my throat. He was trying to keep me quiet. So he wasn't thinking, I'm gonna kill her, but literally I could not breathe. Well, as God's providence would have it, the thing that saved me is when he hit me with his closed fist, your teeth cut your the insides of your lip when when when you take a punch to the face. And so your mouth bleeds profusely. My blood started seeping out between his fingers, and that caused him to pull his hand away, and I could breathe.

SPEAKER_01 17:31

Wow. As you share that courageously, what what do you feel?

Shelters, Group Work, And Stabilizing

SPEAKER_00 17:38

Well, I really feel God knew I would never have left my husband. When that happened, and I saw the look on his face, he was horrified because uh he had bloodied bloodied my mouth and my blood was coming out of my mouth. That shocked him, and he backed off of me, and I stood up, and I just said, I just need to, I just need to go for a walk. I just need to go walk. And he was stunned, so he said, You're not leaving until you and he got a washcloth and wet it and made me clean my face off. And I dressed quickly, and then he backed backed against the door, and my heart sank. And I said, I started crying again. I said, please, please, I I promise I just need to clear my head, or I I I don't remember what I said, but I begged him and he let me out. And then as I ran down the stairs, I know the Lord reminded me, your in-laws are gone. Grab the car keys that have their keys on it. And I grabbed those and I got in the car, and then I got out on the freeway and I'm sobbing, and then I saw a policeman. And this is to just mention this to show you where my mind was. And I said, Oh, Donna, slow down. You don't want to get pulled over by the police. And then I said to myself, I thought, well, what, you know, if he came around to the car and rolled down your window, and if he saw flash his light, by by this time it's 11 o'clock at night, what would he say? And I remember thinking, oh, I guess he'd probably say, Well, what happened to you? Who did that? And my husband. And then I thought, well, what would he say to that? This is to show you back then in the early 80s, I did not even know that that was against the law. I thought, well, he'll probably just say, Well, you know, that's that's a domestic issue. You know, that's between a husband and a wife in the privacy of their home. Not even thinking that he would say, Well, we can take him in right now. I know I would not have done that. I would not have pressed charges. And that's because, and battered women know this. The next time you will not get out with your life. There will be a next time. And guess what? He's gonna finish the job. And I know I would not have pressed charges back then in night uh 1982 in uh Pomona. I would not have let them put cuffs and put him in jail because you're gonna pay. You are you pay for everything you you do and say, you always pay the price. And I could not and would not have done that. So I see now that the Lord He made a way of escape for me. What happened was I did eventually flee back home. And then my brother let me live and pay rent to him, and I I felt safe because my husband, my brother had just moved and he didn't know where he lived. He knew where I worked, but he didn't know where I lived, and it was it was on the coast. So I I was driving an hour each way back and forth to work.

SPEAKER_01 21:34

I want to say we uh protect our abuser out of fear.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

Oh, absolutely. Fear and I also, Jen, think it's shame. I did not want people to think he was capable of these things and that he did these things to me. I mean, he shouldn't have been protected by me, but yeah, that's you're right. It's it's fear and shame.

Isolation, Community, And Hope

SPEAKER_01 22:00

We're speaking, the other thing I realized is when he saw the blood, your blood between his fingers. That is the first time he witnessed his own out-of-controlness. He had to now face it.

Rebuilding Faith And Inner Healing

A Late-Life Love And New Beginning

SPEAKER_00 22:17

Yes, I did this to her. First, it was coming clean to my family. One of my sisters was a nurse, and she worked at ER of the hospital, County Hospital. And when she saw, they saw my face at it was a baptism for one of our my nieces. You know, by then I had a black eye. I still had my lips puffy, and they were horrified and saw that. And then they were crying. And then I'm crying. And my sister said, okay, this was a Sunday. And then she said, okay, tomorrow I want you to come to my work, you know, come to the hospital, not for medical attention. I want, there's someone I want you to talk to. And it was this therapist or counselor. They'd made a little teeny office off the ER and a like a broom closet for her to talk to women that came in. She could see my face. And she said, Well, who did this? Your husband, okay, yes. And then tell me what happened, told her the story. She says to me, You are a battered wife, and your husband is an abuser. And I squirmed in my chair and I said, No, you don't understand. I said, My husband and I, college educated, and he's a physical therapist. He works at a practice. And she said, I don't care about that. You have been abused, and your husband is a batterer. And I again, you know, said, No, you don't understand. My husband and I are both born-again Christians, and he leads worship at his church, and his parents are the assistant pastors. And she said, Donna, I'm telling you, you have been abused, and your husband is a batterer. You are a victim of domestic abuse. I left that office still thinking, no, I don't fit that picture. That's not me, and that's not him. The Lord led me. I read an article in a magazine that it was a story about domestic abuse, and then it had 10 questions at the end. So I finished this article and I read the questions. I don't know if there was 10 or 20, I can't remember. And I answered yes to almost every one of them. Like, does he uh restrict you from seeing or talking to your family? Does he physically restrain you from leaving the house or the room? And literally, the tears they they shot, they shot out of my eyes. And I said, Lord, why couldn't I have read this article two years ago? Then I could say, Look, I can't marry this man because he fits this profile. The reason I was in the library, I had somehow seen, I don't know where I saw, a flyer for a speaker that was going to speak on domestic violence. So it was the Lord had to do that, had me read that article, take that test, and then go hear a speaker. And then I was like, okay, okay, I'm listening now. I see that now. So then after this lady, I heard the speaker, she had, I guess, a list of the shelters. I did find House of Ruth in Long Beach. So I called them. I told my workplace that I was in an accident because I had to go back to work. I said, Oh, I was in the back seat, and the driver had to stop suddenly, and I went forward and hit my face on the headrest in front of me. You know, I got a black eye and a swollen mouth. It's so emotional. You're just trying to hold it together. I had to keep my job. I was now paying rent at my brother's. But you can't emotionally rehash your story. I was an emotional wreck. I was crying every day for several hours a day. My life had fallen apart. I was now separated. And so I called House of Ruth. It was a domestic violence women's home. And I called them and I said, Look, I have a place to live, I have a job, but I need something. So they said, okay, you come to group on Wednesday nights. That was like someone throwing me a life ring. It was group therapy, but then I couldn't wait once a week. I was barely functioning. I said, Is there another group? I need to come more. And she said, Well, I can give you counseling if you come to my house and pay$100, you know, a session, which was outlandish back then. And I said, yes. So another night a week, I drove to Long Beach to her home. It was immensely helpful. And I lived for those two times a week. But seeing other women in that group therapy that were further along than me mentally, emotionally, it gave me so much hope. They're functioning. So those first few months, it was so helpful to me to get plugged into a women's shelter for domestic abuse.

SPEAKER_01 28:07

Well, it's one of those things where you recognize you're not alone, but you're also helping others know that they're not alone. It's it's a community where until you've lived it, you don't understand what it's like. And everybody there still has their individual journeys, right? But what do you think is the one thing that connects all of you?

Self-Talk, Purpose, And Ongoing Joy

SPEAKER_00 28:32

They isolate you. I had no friends, I had no contact. We lived almost an hour away from my family. I was living my personal health. Number one, I didn't think anyone at church would believe me about him. How could I say to anybody, he, this is what's happening? They would say, What? No, he he's not, he wouldn't ever do that. And and so it's just a daunting task. There's just no way out. You're trapped. You are in a trap. You are in a cage. That's why I feel like how the incident unfolded. I picture like a wrought iron birdcage, and the Lord opened the door, and I flew out.

SPEAKER_01 29:22

That is beautiful. You know, I I want to get into your healing, but I think to recap, what you said is you now found a place where you didn't have to convince anyone what you had endured.

Final Message Of Hope And Closing

SPEAKER_00 29:37

No, it's like, wow, all these women have gone through what I went through, and now they're further along than me. My incident only happened, you know, uh weeks ago. And look, they're they've been in here for a year and they're thriving. They're they're laughing, they're joking, they're they're doing new things. And oh, it was so hopeful for me.

SPEAKER_01 30:03

Yeah, it gives me chills hearing you say that. And I'm so thankful that you sought help. Uh, that is, you know, the first step. Well, number one, recognizing, hey, after those 10 questions, something's not right, and then also realizing I need help and I need more help on top of that. So um, that is wonderful. So you eventually found restoration, hope, and love again. What helped you trust yourself and God enough to believe a different future was possible?

SPEAKER_00 30:37

Well, my story has a wonderful, happy ending, but it shook my faith because my husband not just was a Christian, his parents were leaders in the church. And I remember telling my mom, who was a Christian by then, mom, I still believe in God, but I trusted my life to a Christian and another Christian family, his family, and I said, and I almost lost it. And I'm taking back control of my life. So what I say is I still believed in God, but I wasn't seeking out a church because I almost lost my life with a church family. I walked away from the Lord, but then, Jen, he wooed me back. The Holy Spirit drew me back. I fought him. It it broke my heart that I that I walked away from him for that year. And I said, I don't want to come back to you to ever leave again. And again, he gave me a picture in my mind and he spoke to me. He showed me, he bent his his hand and forearm down in front of me, and he showed me his forearm and his hand, and he said, Donna, my child, our relationship is not based on your strength. I will hold you, I will hold on to you, I am holding you in the palm of my hand. And the analogy is like when you're crossing the street and you've got your your your four-year-old toddler, you take their hand, they're not holding your hand, you are holding their hand, and you are not gonna let go of their hand as you cross the street because you are strong and you are holding on to them.

SPEAKER_01 32:47

Wow, that is so true. You're holding on to keep them safe, to guide them, to make sure they don't run away and go astray.

SPEAKER_00 32:59

Yes, to protect them, to keep them.

SPEAKER_01 33:03

Yes. Uh wow, what a beautiful vision. It's an amazing way to kind of segue towards the ending of the conversation. You know, you said that you have a very happy ending to the story, obviously. Yes, you do.

SPEAKER_00 33:20

Yes, I do, but it took a while. It took a long time. So the first 10 years, I was like, I'm good. I'm good. I have a great job. I have a beautiful life. I travel with my job, I traveled with girlfriends, I went on mission trips, and the Lord healed me. I went through inner healing, uh, healing for damaged emotions, read books, went through therapy, counseling, you know, spiritual healing. And um, so eventually, of course, yes, I wanted to be married. Well, here I am in my 50s. So now no longer physically able to have children and really wanting to be married and married, and it was the desire I wanted to be a grandmother in the truest sense. Even so I would not go out with anybody that didn't have their own children. And then I started to meet, as I get into my 50s, widowers. And I'm like, well, that's that's kind of a good option because she's not coming back, and you can be the grandmother, you know? And and so I uh was single, never remarried for 29, almost 30 years. And then when I was 55, a friend of mine, I knew it would be a friend introducing me, and that's exactly what happened. I met a wonderful widower, and he had six at the time, six grandchildren. Now we have seven. His wife had passed the the year prior. He had been married 40 years, but at first I'm like, no, he's seven and a half years older. No, no, no. But he won my heart. And um, I say to say to him, honey, I love you because you first loved me. And we have been married this year 15 years. I could not be happier. He is perfect for me. I didn't think a happy marriage was even attainable. You see so few. And I have a wonderful happy marriage. We love spending time together. We're very equally yoked spiritually. We both got saved in the mid-70s, and um, we are in ministry, retired, we do missions and travel, and we love our life and love the Lord.

SPEAKER_01 35:55

I love that. I have one last question. Now, in your life, instead of asking yourself, what do I want to do? Has it shifted to God? What do you want me to do?

SPEAKER_00 36:10

Oh, well, it was always his will. Of course, that was that was always the case, the the will of God. But now I know. I I don't have to ask. And my husband and I, we are so one that it's easy. We're similar personalities, it works well. I don't even have to say that. I just I just know. And my self-talk is totally different. I don't ever, you know, have bad self-talk about myself. And yeah, I am I'm a totally different person now, and it's a joyful journey and a happy ending.

SPEAKER_01 36:55

Can you share a message with listeners who might be on that path of it's too late for things to change? This is just how it's going to be. Uh hopeless.

SPEAKER_00 37:07

There is always hope. Now may the God of hope fill you. He, that is who he is. He's a redeemer. He redeems our choices, our mistakes, mistakes people made against us. He redeems it. He makes all things work together for good, no matter how old you are. I so I got married for the second time at 56 years old. I'm I'm almost 71. And there is joy in our journey to the Father's house.

SPEAKER_01 37:47

Thank you so much for sharing, and thank you for being my guest today, Donna. Thank you, Jen. I hope this brings hope to many women and people. Absolutely. I have no doubt that it will. Thank you for listening today. And remember, you are stronger than you think. Until next time. I'm grateful you're here today. I'm Jennifer Lee, and this is the Healing and Sharing podcast. Formerly I Need Blue. If parts of your past still feel close, childhood wounds, loss, or moments that continue to shape you as you unpack them, this space was created for you. The healing and sharing is where women tell their stories honestly, connect through shared experience, and take steps towards healing together, letting others know they are not alone. Here, survival becomes strength. Before we begin, a gentle trigger warning. This podcast includes discussions of domestic violence, childhood trauma, and other sensitive topics. Please take care of yourself and ask for help if needed. You always come first. Thank you to Melissa Turrey for composing the beautiful opening melody. To learn more, visit the healing and sharing dot com. Now let's begin today's journey.